[kabila]

Walang pagnanais na magsimula ng pakisama: silang mga nagmamataas sa samahang dapat inaatasang walang iiwang hindi karamdam sa pangangaibigan at panganga-ibigan ng ating kataas-taasang nilalang.

Hindi tayo kumikilos sapagkat kayo'y ayaw gumalaw nang hindi inuutusan, at sa mga nais kumilos, pansin ay di nabibigyan.

Kabaliwan. :|

[tgsh]

Ouch. That was cold.

Or were you just dc'd?

Or are you really ignoring me?

Or is something up?

:|

Teh vanity of moi

Awesomely proud of my work in the Creative Writing editorial exam some time ago. The literary part, anyway; I'm ashamed to call myself a proofreader. I shall post here in raw form, for I am an egoistic jerk.

[test item: You are the second to the last in a long bloodline of vampires, and near death from lack of blood. You must write a letter to what will be your last living blood relative.]

To my long-lost, long-lasting, and last *blood* relative, my son,

This society has been harsh on our family. My fight for the rights of our race, as well as the other "monstrous" races that we have co-existed with for so long, has failed. You have witnessed and experienced the brutality towards us, we of a sanguine hunger and sexual desire. Man has scorned us, compared us to Lycans, the children of Salem, and the earthbound dead; we are called "half-men" and inhuman, when in fact man is more inhuman and inhumane!

So I leave a task of deathly importance to you, my son. Go forth and spread our being throughout the world! The foolish mankind believes our race is spread through the spilling of blood, when it is spread through the spilling of our seed! Infect them, my son, both man and woman, and soon, we shall BE mankind! If man refuses to accept us, then he will become us! Let the house of Vlad be etched into the minds, hearts, and bodies of the human race and its history, and let the "monstrosity" that is us prevail!

Your father of and by sex
Vespern
September 12th, 1999

[test item: Include a given set of words in writing a short poem, story, or essay.]
The words that I remember were required are highlighted below. I misspelled tessellation and failed to use restaurant. :|

Forced Into Submission

Dismally, the sad clown stares from the etched black of supposed art, torn
Looking like a disturbed Mona Lisa in twisted art form
Aberration, alliteration, art? Larger than life, gargantuan
Umbrellas undulating for the sake of modernism, a fornication of fate
Stoically, dismally stares down from the portrait
Oodles of poodles in tesselation, mermaids under waves in undulation
Abstraction snipping into the easel's cloth, heated and humid
Poetry like that above is cajoled into poignancy. Stoically, stupid
Rhyme and rhythm and meter and sense. Orange, door hinge.

Yay me! I've been slightly productive for my elective. :| Off to do STR. :E. I shouldn't have sought for the use of non-supplemental soy isoflavones as a targeted low-density lipoprotein reductor. x.X

'Di Mo Akalain

Pinoy 3 requirement - sanaysay panlarawan. It's never good enough for the teacher, tho. :| Oh, and if you can't read it, don't ask me what it means. Learn your Filipino. :p

***

Tila’y tunay ang sinasabi na may nilalang sa mundo na kung tawagin ay “soulmate.” Maaaring ito’y matalik na kaibigan, malapit na kapatid o kapamilya, o ang taong minamahal ng isang tao. May isang tao na itinuturi kong “soulmate,” sapagkat siya ay lahat ito, at marami pa. Ngunit animo’y totoo rin ang kasabihang “opposites attract,” o ang siyang magkasalungat ang nagsasama. Sapagkat halos walang katangian niya ay katangian ko rin. Sa halos lahat ng panig, kami’y magkaiba, pero para sa akin ay walang ni isang pagkakaibigan na sinlapit o sinlakas sa amin.

Mahirap isipin na ang taong kamukha niya ay pwede maging kaibigan. Siya’y mukhang maangas at balisaksak; matipunong kulang sa tangkad – malapit sa 5’4” lang. Kung aalalahanin ang alamat ng paggawa ni Bathala sa tao, siya ang nailabas na tama lang ang pagkasunog at pantay ang kaitiman, tunay na Pilipino sa kulay ng balat. Malaki at mabuhok ang kanyang braso at binti, at matigas ang kanyang mga magaspang na kamay at makalyong paa – ang mga naidulot ng kanyang pagsasanay sa tinatawag na “karate-do.” Marami sa kanyang mga kakilala ay di minsa’y natakot na sa kanya at hindi siya gugustuhing lapitan, kundi dahil sa kanyang tanyag na kakayahang sumuntok, ay dahil sa mukhang siya mismo ang magsisimula ng kaguluhan.

Hindi rin nakakapagtataka kung bakit, sa iilang pagkakaton, siya’y inaakalang terrorista o takas ng Muntinlupa, sapagkat ang ulo niya’y para sa basag-ulo, na hugis bloke ng konkretong may kakaunting pagkabilog ang korte, at sintigas nito. Ayon sa isa naming kaibigan, “parang ulo ng patatas” daw ito. Tunay nga na mukhang patatas ito, dahil ang kanyang buhok ay nasa istilong “semi-kal” kung tawagin; nais niya kasing hindi naiinitan o nangangati ang kanyang ulo. Salungat naman sa buhok sa itaas, labis naman ang buhok ng kanyang mukha – hindi lamang makapal na bigote ang mayroon siya, pati na rin makapal na balbas na nakakabit sa makapal na patilya na nasa giliran ng kanyang makapal na mukha.

Sumasang-ayon naman ang ibang bahagi ng kanyang mukha sa imahe ng mandirigma. Ang ilong na ilong ng tunay na dugong-Pilipino ay wari’y nakataas ng kaunti, matapang at dakila, at ang labi’y may kaliitan – kilos bago salita ang naipapalabas. Magaspang ang pisngi at hindi makinis ang mukha, ngunit ang kayrami na mga sugat at kung ano pa sa kanyang mukha ay testimonya sa kanyang pamamatigas, at nakakadaragdag lang sa kanyang kasindak-sindak na delantera.

Ngunit ang pinakakapuna-punang makikita ay ang kanyang mga mata, ang tanging mga bintana sa kanyang tunay na pagkatao. Hindi sila malaki ni hindi singkit – tama lang ang laki para sa tingin ng mamamatay-tao, tingin ng palabiro, tingin ng mapagmahal na kaibigan. Ang makamasid sa loob-looban ng kanyang tingin ay makakakita ng damdaming lumalagablab; isang matapang na liwanag na pumupugay sa dilim. Sa kanyang mga mata’y may ilaw na pantago sa lungkot na kaytagal ay naramdaman ngunit ayaw ibuwal. Sa kabilugan ay nakikita ang galit na umaapoy, ang tuwa na bumubusilak, at ang talino na kumikislap. Ang tagal na pakikipagtunggali, pakikipaglaban sa paghihirap, ay namamasid sa itim at kayumanggi ng kanyang mga mata.

Minamahal ko ang aking kaibigan, sapagkat siya ang sigla sa aking pagkalumbay. Siya ang nagpapatawa at nagpapatuwa sa aking mga araw – ang kasiyahan at kislap sa kadiliman ng aking kalungkutan. Siya ang aking pag-asa at dahilan sa buhay, at ang tumutulak sa ‘kin na tumuloy pa. Ang nailalarawan ko lamang sa sanaysay na ito ay pisikal na katangiang wala ring silbi o kwenta, sapagkat ang kanyang tunay na sarili ay hindi sapat na mailalarawan ng lahat ng salita o sanaysay sa mundo – kinakailangan ang kanyang pagmamahal at pangangaibigan ay maranasan upang lubos na maintindihan.

Sapagkat siya si Carlo, ang aking kuya, minamahal, at matalik na kaibigan.

Adrenaline

It's 12:35 am, 25 June 2007, and I've been doing req's since 9 am, 24 June 2007.

And I've never felt this happy, completing stuff I need to do, until now.

Wooshoo. :D

[yeh]

It's nice to know I can be happy for about two hours by myself, and all that is part of me.

Yeh mehn. I'm so fucking busy. But I feel like I can do everything. :D

Except maybe purge my computer of that gawdamned virus. >:E

But maybe if I ignore it it'll go away. :| Woot.

But I'm still happy. :D Yeh.

[boink]

I feel so disgusted with me. Hurry, somebody warn me that I'm being a shallow jerk who uses people again before I stop realizing it myself!

I just wish sometimes I could be happily ignorant of everyone judging and talking behind everyone's back instead of being there watching it all happen.

This is probably why I don't like people very much.

And yeah, you're right, I don't like people who seem to not like me. Yung mga taong hindi nag-hhi sa corridors or yung mga kilala mo at kilala ka pero ayaw niyo kilalanin na nandyan yung isa. Yeah. That's why parang andaming nag-iisip na medyo weird ako. Coz I say "Hi" a lot. And, and, parang gusto ko laging makisama sa kung saan man, kahit hindi talaga ako dapat nandoon.

Yeah. Diba?

***

Everything's gonna bend and break. Suuuuure, they don't hate you now, but sooner or later you'll end up as a megalomaniac-type jerk who tries to control everyone. It's the same every damned year. Ramayana, here we come. :|

***

...

***

Why does the world have to stand on its head when I'm standing straight?

Nakakapagpabagabag.

Awesome. Blogger in Filipino. Tangkilikin ang sariling wika!

the only thing i really find so fucked up about blogger

is that you really can't hide stuff like on LJ. yeh.

***

it's much easier to "blog" when all you do is write what's in your head, although by some supposed "definitions" that's hardly blogging. damn them all. ang ayaw ko lang naman is "todayyyy i had a score of 25/30 sa aming long teeeeest. my gahd. it's so hirap naman."

***

it's hard to erase biases against a teacher. especially if the teacher in question isn't careful about what he says. mehn, even as an expression that's so fucking disgusting, honestly. and it doesn't help that he's so fucking irritating that he has to ramble on and on and on and on and on about the most pointless shit when all you want to do is jump into the godforsaken pool where you can't hear him.

i build a wall of ignorance around my swimming cap-covered little head. :|

***

advertising once more: wanted: Arnold Arre's "After Eden." name your price. i can't believe i gave my copy to someone i *thought* i loved. demmit. is it wrong to ask for a gift back, when the gift is one that the person didn't really care for? :|

Lend me your short attention spans

I demand emails and blog comments and tags.

What does that make me?

A fucking attention whore.

Yeh mehn.

[tgsh]

Did you really do that on purpose and stuff?

Coz it hurt. Not as in hurt hurt, but just a bit of hurt. The kind you get when you bump against a caf table or trip over a bag and fall.

Yeah. I mean, was it intentional, to spite me because you still don't like me, or was it purely coincidental that I was the only dude left, and you got them because you still talk to them? Iunno.

Sinabihan pa nga 'ko by this other dude if I wanted to be there too, but I said no. Sabi pa ni other dude na kawawa ako. Pero sabi ko wag na. Because I didn't want to appear affected; that'd be giving you what you wanted (if it was intentional and shit). So I just went on with what I was doing and stuff, but I had to leave so I left.

I remember you did the same thing once with a bunch of other people, where you did something somewhere and I didn't know at all. It isn't the same as when I want to go somewhere with another group of other people, because I really don't belong with them (I've kinda sorta probably accepted that), but to single out someone like that is just fucked up. I'm sorry.

Oh, and it didn't help that you made a bad day a little bit worse. I wanna cry now.

Thank God you don't read this because you ignore me so much. :|

---

My heart is shallow, 6 feet under.

Flow.

I'm gonna be more shallow than I usually am, coz I kinda found out that I sound stupid when I hold back. Yung tipong pilit na parang gagamit ka ng certain words in a fuck damned poem for the sake of it.

Why can't I just make myself shut up?

At one point or another while I'm smiling or laughing or shouting or enjoying myself someone will judge me to be stupid or air-headed or unapproachable or fucked up. Especially when I talk in sexual themes. My favorite. :| It's just that I feel so at home with sex because it's something to laugh at and be serious with, to love and hate and fear and abhor and get addicted to. There, now all of you know why I'm so fucking "sexually promiscuous."

Tipong pag kasama ko yung "'kada", to quote, I feel all tipsy and my tongue is all loosened and stuff, because I can talk and open up. But occasionally I slip up and say something stupid and then they all shut up and I feel like I should have never opened my stupid mouth in the first place.

And then at one point or another, especially kay RC, I fear that I'm gonna end up doing what people have been saying I've been doing these past two years - using people. Coz I don't know how to give back and stuff and ask properly and return favors, even though I really want to. I don't know how to give back and how to act towards people. So I try to make it a point to say "po" to almost everybody now because I don't want to stand out as the arrogant and selfish bastard I really am.

On the other hand, the teachers think I'm the "mabait na monitor," according to Ma'am Bawagan. They're fooled into believing I'm the meek and decent dude, when in fact it's all a class-A suck-up act. How else do you get a place in the hearts of teachers? Wag mambola, they say? Fuck them. Everybody knows that the only way to get good grades when you suck at the subject (and believe me, I suck in a lot of them - kokontra tatamaan ng kidlat) is to use sugar. A LOT of sugar. Hindi yung tipong KSP na walang hiyang kakaibiganin yung teacher. Yung tipong

"Yes po, ma'am *smile*"
"Opo, ma'am"
"Hindi po, sir *smile*"
"Ako na lang po, sir"

Because it really *is* the only way to plant yourself in their hearts and minds as something and someone, especially in Pisay, when nobody will motherfucking recognize what you are and who you are and everything you've tried to do if you don't do it exceptionally well. They won't let you be anything, do anything, or have anything. I really do the things RC is doing right now, but I can't coz I don't have her exceptional talents or her smarts or the desire to go places. I instead wanna be with my friends and live a static life as someone who's just here and living life as easy as possible. But I know na after that I'll have nothing, considering I have *very* few friends who'll stick by me and will be there. My mom is pushing me to go places, and I really want to, too - I just don't know when where and how and why. I need a push in the right direction, and I need it now. :|

Parang it's just so sad that I flowed like this only now. :| Damn me.

---

I want the light to go out already. But I can't turn it off myself. And it doesn't help that my roommate is trying to make things brighter. :|

Nursery Rhyme fuck-up

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece as white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go

He followed her to school one day
And saw the children laugh and play.
He saw little Mary play with Georgie Porgie
Which was against the rules.

Coz Georgie Porgie did more than kiss
To make crying girls and daughters
So like Jack and Jill, they went up the hill
Only they weren't fetching water

Mary wasn't careful
Georgie had her have
A rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop
Sans mockingbird-buying Dad