I'm gonna be more shallow than I usually am, coz I kinda found out that I sound stupid when I hold back. Yung tipong pilit na parang gagamit ka ng certain words in a fuck damned poem for the sake of it.

Why can't I just make myself shut up?

At one point or another while I'm smiling or laughing or shouting or enjoying myself someone will judge me to be stupid or air-headed or unapproachable or fucked up. Especially when I talk in sexual themes. My favorite. :| It's just that I feel so at home with sex because it's something to laugh at and be serious with, to love and hate and fear and abhor and get addicted to. There, now all of you know why I'm so fucking "sexually promiscuous."

Tipong pag kasama ko yung "'kada", to quote, I feel all tipsy and my tongue is all loosened and stuff, because I can talk and open up. But occasionally I slip up and say something stupid and then they all shut up and I feel like I should have never opened my stupid mouth in the first place.

And then at one point or another, especially kay RC, I fear that I'm gonna end up doing what people have been saying I've been doing these past two years - using people. Coz I don't know how to give back and stuff and ask properly and return favors, even though I really want to. I don't know how to give back and how to act towards people. So I try to make it a point to say "po" to almost everybody now because I don't want to stand out as the arrogant and selfish bastard I really am.

On the other hand, the teachers think I'm the "mabait na monitor," according to Ma'am Bawagan. They're fooled into believing I'm the meek and decent dude, when in fact it's all a class-A suck-up act. How else do you get a place in the hearts of teachers? Wag mambola, they say? Fuck them. Everybody knows that the only way to get good grades when you suck at the subject (and believe me, I suck in a lot of them - kokontra tatamaan ng kidlat) is to use sugar. A LOT of sugar. Hindi yung tipong KSP na walang hiyang kakaibiganin yung teacher. Yung tipong

"Yes po, ma'am *smile*"
"Opo, ma'am"
"Hindi po, sir *smile*"
"Ako na lang po, sir"

Because it really *is* the only way to plant yourself in their hearts and minds as something and someone, especially in Pisay, when nobody will motherfucking recognize what you are and who you are and everything you've tried to do if you don't do it exceptionally well. They won't let you be anything, do anything, or have anything. I really do the things RC is doing right now, but I can't coz I don't have her exceptional talents or her smarts or the desire to go places. I instead wanna be with my friends and live a static life as someone who's just here and living life as easy as possible. But I know na after that I'll have nothing, considering I have *very* few friends who'll stick by me and will be there. My mom is pushing me to go places, and I really want to, too - I just don't know when where and how and why. I need a push in the right direction, and I need it now. :|

Parang it's just so sad that I flowed like this only now. :| Damn me.


I want the light to go out already. But I can't turn it off myself. And it doesn't help that my roommate is trying to make things brighter. :|


Blogger darkchylde said...

yo. very friends, eh? hope im one of 'em. tc dude^^

text or anything lang when you need something.

tc ulit.^^

6/13/2007 10:37:00 PM  

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