40 days of darkness

Well, not really.


I woke up at 9 am, and noticed na nakapatay ang electric fan and ilaw ko. I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep, when the sweet smell of garlic rice wafted through my open door. I got up, stepped out, and found the dining table as it usually was... except the fan above it was not spinning and the light above it did not shine. I then learned from my family na
nawalan kami ng kuryente kaninang maagang umaga. Fine, I thought; it'll be back after a few hours - oh gahd, how wrong I was - and I washed my face in the bathroom, dimly lit by sunlight from outside.

I lounged around the house, and then I remembered: Hindi ko pa tapos Envi articles and TXV ko. They were due tomorrow. Aagh. So I panicked and flung out all the Time magazines in the small closets around the house, and skimmed through them for anything at all related to air pollution. I found something like two, adding to the four I already had before. I needed four more. And for that I needed to go online. *panic* Then I went to my phone and texted a message to Ahura Martin about extending deadlines due to power outages. Biglang... "Message sending failed" ang lumabas. I tried again and again...
Message sending failed"
Message sending failed"
Message sending failed"
Message sending failed"
"Message sending failed"

WTF?! naisip ko. Tapos I looked.
Walang signal. As in nada. I double panicked and raced outside, where I got one bar of the much needed reception. After a while, nag-reply si Sir. "Deadlines remain the same unless school is cancelled tomorrow." sabi niya. AAAAAAGH! 'Di na 'ko pwede mag-apply for director! *sobgasppanicwaah* Umikot-ikot na lang ako sa bahay in panic, nagbasa ng "A Separate Peace," tapos umikot-ikot uli... tapos kumain ako compulsively ng biscochio (I eat under stress. Sugar + toast + butter + glass o' milk = :D).

Then it began. Malakaaa
aaaaaaaaas na ulan at hangin at ulan at hangin at malameeeeeeeeeeeeg na hangin at maiiiiiiiingay na ulan. It was kinda cool. First time akong nanlamig sa loob ng bahay na hindi naka-aircon. Imagine me walking around na may kumot na nakasabit sa shoulders ko; parang si Linus from Peanuts. :D Hahahah. And while the wind was howling and stuff, naka-upo lang ako sa may isang sulok. Walang ginagawa. Habang 'yung pamilya ko tumatakbo sa kung saan-saan. Naghahanap ng kandila, pinapasok 'yung aso sa bodega, at nagsasara ng mga bintana. In-announce ng mom ko na walang pasok bukas. Medyo halata naman 'yun. So I rejoiced - andaming na-postpone na kung anu-ano. My family got into a candle-carving frenzy at the dining table, while I blissfully slept. *snore*


Woke up ng walang kuryente pa rin. Naisipan bigla ng mom ko na pumunta ng Celeb. So we went. On the way, we witnessed the scene of devastation in the UPD campus. Trees were uprooted, and the beautifully peaceful scenery that was UP's was now beautifully messed up. Past the fallen and torn trees, we finally got to Celebrity Sports Club - and fully powered sila! and nag-swimming ako. Parang I prepared for our practical and stuff. Nag-enjoy ako, actually. And ang sarap maligo. :D I continued my TXV on my mom's laptop (Celeb has wi-fi) but we had to go soon after. So afterwards we headed home, and here I did practically nothing...

...well, I continued "A Separate Peace" and began my Geom homework, but do those really count as something? Then my sisters had to go back to Celeb because they have ballet class. Naturally, we all went along, making
any excuse to get out of the house. Upon arrival, we literally lounged around the lounge. I read a strange but intriguing book titled "The Bible Code" (this thing is really creepy, someone please relate) and tweaked my unfinished TXV a bit. A little while later we ate dinner at the Celeb grill (honestly, the only decent food they serve in that place is at their grill). I love sisig. We prolonged our stay aaaaaalll the way until 10:00, when Celeb had begun to close already. Entering the realm of darkness that was our house, I slipped into bed, afraid of what I might have seen in the shadows of my room. [You try sleeping in my room with my imagination, and with enough light to create shadows and faces on your walls and things. Eeeep.]


Woke up (once again) to an electricity-deprived room. I had agreed to going with my older brother to Philcoa, so we could finish whatever work we had to do at any of the Alva's computer stations. So we go there, and I became moderately productive - finding articles for Envi and Chem, and pounding away at my TXV story. I also texted kuya like hell - and I love it when we talk about things like that. xD

Coming home, I decided na magpaka-nerd, so I bring out my Chem stuff and study for the inevitable LT na pinostpone for Tuesday. And I enjoyed it! I actually understood dimensional analysis and stoichiometry and combustion analysis and all that other Chem related crap! (no offense to all the people there who like Chem or Sir Segs) My neko-chan also called, which made things feel ten times lighter - it was fun listening to her talk happily; it made me happy, too. Things were looking up in our powerless house - the Milenyo blackout seemed to be better than my horrible brownout experiences before. And then...

*click-ick* (tunog ng nag-on na printer)
*squeaaaaal!* (tunog ng babaeng sumigaw nang nag-on ang mga street lamp)
"Ohmagahd!" (mom ko na sumisigaw)
"WOOOOOOT!" (me.)


Rejoicing and jumping up and down with glee, I had actually done it.

I surviiiiiiiiiived.

I survived nights of pitch-black darkness.

I survived nights of sweltering heat.

I survived nights with minimal contact from the outside world.

I survived the Milenya blackout!


Onion Skin

Alam niyo ba yung pakiramdam pag feel mo di ka pinapansin ng mundo? Masakit yun. Kwento ko sa inyo, baka kasi di niyo alam...

Pag feel mo di ka pinapansin ng mundo, most likely, totoo nga. Di nga intentional na di ka nila pinapansin, pero, talaga bang tama na lilipas ang isang araw na walang kumakausap sa yo ng matino? Di ba mali yung ganoon? Kahit "Hi" man lang sa mga tao, wala. Pati mga okay lang na tao, naging snob. Alam mo yun? Akala mong kaibigan o kakilala mo, tapos walang paki kapag dadaan ka o hindi. Feeling pag ganun, yung parang mag-isa ka sa lugar na wala kang kilala o maintindihan (eg., nakatayo ka magulong night market ng Xiamen, mag-isa) tapos hinahanap mo ang mga taong sasagip sa pagka-lonely mo. Pag nasa ganitong lagay, ang kaunting ngiti, pinakamaliit na pakikipag-usap, o kahit pagbati ng "Hi!" ay tulad ng pagkakita sa isang kaibigan sa gitna ng mga di mo kilala.

Alam niyo ba yung pakiramdam pag feel mong lumalayo ang mga tao sa inyo? Masakit din yun. Kwento ko rin siya...

Pag feel mong di mo na kilala ang isang tao, siguro dahil di na kayo masyadong nag-uusap, o talagang ayaw ninyo mag-usap, o nawalan talaga kayo ng paki sa isa't-isa. Pero masakit yung ganun kasi alam mo namang magkaibigan kayo dati, tapos di na ngayon. Parang di ka na rin pinapansin nung tao, kahit sa text man lang. Ansakit pag ganyan, lalo na kung mag-kaclose kayo dati... Kung yung taong yun din ang karamay mo sa kung saan-saan... At lalong lalong masakit kapag nakita mong parang pinalitan ka na. Kapag parang ang relationship ng bagong tao at yung dati mong kaibigan ay pareho sa relationship ninyo dati. Mahirap ang magkabalikan na kaibigan, kasi parang noong nagkalayo, nawala na din ang pagiging kaibigan.

At alam niyo ba yung pakiramdam pag feel mong galit sa iyo ang isang kaibigan mo? Masakit din yun. Eto...

Pag feel mong kinamumuhian ka ng kaibigan mo, masakit, kasi kung sino pa ang akala mong makakaintindi ang siyang involved doon sa problema. Kapag di mo rin naman kasalanan, lalong masakit, kasi wala kang ginawa, at kailangan mo pang mag-sorry bago ka niya uli tatanggapin bilang kaibigan. Super sakit naman kapag di mo alam kung bakit siya galit sa iyo, kasi walang paraan upang maging kaibigan kayo uli. Kapag ganito kailangan talaga mag-usap ang dalawa. Eh mahirap naman yun kapag di rin sila nag-uusap. Parang nakawala ka na rin ng kaibigan.


Me in a nutshell.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 63%
Stability |||| 13%
Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53%
Accommodation |||||||||||| 50%
Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 63%
Intellectual |||||||||||| 50%
Mystical |||||||||||| 43%
Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70%
Religious |||||||||||||||| 70%
Hedonism |||||| 30%
Materialism |||||||||||||||| 63%
Narcissism |||||| 30%
Adventurousness |||||| 23%
Work ethic |||||||||||||||| 70%
Self absorbed |||||||||| 36%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 63%
Romantic |||||||||| 36%
Avoidant |||||||||| 36%
Anti-authority |||||| 30%
Wealth |||||||||||| 50%
Dependency |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 43%
Individuality |||||||||||| 50%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 63%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 63%
Physical security |||||||||||||||| 70%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||| 64%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Paranoia |||||||||||| 50%
Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Female cliche |||||| 30%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were very low which suggests you are extremely worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
open, tough, irritable, worrying, does not like to be alone, craves attention, low self control, emotionally sensitive, interacting, sad, very social, aggressive, prefer organized to unpredictable, dependent, social chameleon, suspicious, values the heart over the mind, likes large parties, outgoing, likes to make fun, likes to fit in, mildly phobic, vain, makes friends easily, enjoys leadership, clingy, rash



This is weird. I'm perfectly fine.

It's like I'm not me anymore. I used to think I was only one of two: stressed or depressed. But now I'm not either, neither am I caught between the two. Everything's perfectly fine. Wow. Is this for real?
School has been so far okay, although I don't think my grades are going up anytime soon. I might have failed the Geom LT and SocSci2 major essay - that's sad, considering that I ended up with two dead fingers in my right hand. Our Chem is getting better; I hope we stay with Sir Segs, being a really effective teacher. Effective meaning I learn from him. I just don't think I was able to apply what I learned to our LT... same with Algeb. And something happened last Friday... Basta.
Yesterday, after a two-month abstinence period (o.O) I finally got coffee. Yay. Yesterday, after the "homecoming" concert, we grabbed a bite at an airconless Chowking along EspaƱa, and we searched for the nearest Starbucks along the way. Apparently it was the one in Timog/Tomas Morato. To those who do not know, this area is packed with people on Friday and Saturday nights, being the local sosyalan hotspot. So we squeezed through the traffic and park in front, the Siren gazing happily down on me, my two sisters, and my mom, and we saw that the place was filled with happy coffee drinkers, frustrated writers, high-profile socialites, and those sad people who look like they never wanted to be there in the first place. I waited in line while my mom skillfully stole a table from a group of laughing idiots who seemed to be high on god-knows-what shit.
Once I reached the front of the line, I smiled with kind pity at the harried barista serving me, and she's able to manage a tired smile. I ordered a Hot Spice-something (not sure what it's called, have to check later on), a Caramel Macchiato for my mom, a Vanilla Frappucino for my younger sister, and a hot chocolate for my littlest sis. After a bit of a wait, I realized that they misspelled my name - again. Another "Ian" on my drink. Ah well. I couldn't blame the poor dedicated dudes behind the counter - naghihirap na, so I didn't take up the issue of my name. Nakakaawa na kasi. I sipped happily all the way home. It tasted exactly like what you'd think August and September would taste in a coffee, but the cinnamon powder wasn't well mixed, so I got occasional highs from the spice.
Happy 3rd 16, my neko-chan... I love you...

Kingdom Phylum Class Order Family Genus Species
Kissing Passionately Comes Only From Good Skill... xD


All about the love I have and need

[Took it from Ma'am Fil.]

How many times can you honestly say you've been in love?
- Twice.

Do you believe that everyone has a soulmate?
- No, not really. If everyone
did have one, no one would die lonely or miserable. But of course we all know that that's not the case.

Do you think that you should become friends with someone first?
- Duh.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
- Into a million tiny pieces. I'm still scotch-taping them together.

What do you think about long-distance relationships?
- Never mind. A long distance was the reason "someone" broke up with me...

Your thoughts on online relationships?
- Way different. People are anything else but themselves online. At most, friends or chatmates.

Would you rather date someone five years older or five years younger?
- Only five years older.

Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend?
- Yeah.

Do you believe the statement, "Once a cheater, always a cheater"?
- Maybe. But I loved "someone" despite it.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt and made you cry?
- Yeah. The crying came because I hurt myself for it.

How many kids do you want to have?
- Two or three.

Is there someone who you like at the moment?
- Yeah. But the world doesn't like me at the moment. Huh.

Do you usually fall for a wrong guy/girl or the right guy/girl?
- It seems to be always a miss. I'm never able to get it right. I'm never able to get
anything right.

What is your favorite color?
- Black and blue. The color of a bruise.

What are your views on gay marriages?
- They let celebrities marry then divorce after a week - why not let the LGBT community marry? There's a lot more love involved, that's for sure.

Have you ever broken someone's heart?
- I think so.

Have you ever given or been given roses?
- Yeah. But I don't really see how roses are the flowers of love.

Are you the one who makes the move or do you wait for them to make the move?
- I always wait. When they're done, I move. Kinda like chess.

What is your all time favorite romance movie?
- I don't have one. Sorry.

Imagine you're 79 & your spouse just died, would you remarry after they died & you were married for 60 years?
- In the first place, if I had ever even
thought of marrying someone, our marriage probably wouldn't even last five years. But no, I wouldn't remarry.

At what age did you start noticing the opposite sex?
- 13. I was more gay earlier on.

What song do you want played as you walk down the aisle?
- I dunno. I don't even think I
want to walk down the aisle.

Are most high school kids infatuated or in love?
- I'm a high school kid. I can honestly say... I have no friggin' idea.

Who was your first love (like)?
- I don't know. I don't have a point for comparison. But "someone" was sweet... passionate...
hot... caring - albeit a little too caring for many.

What's the longest you've ever liked someone?
- Liked? A year and a half... and still counting...

Would you give up everything for love?
- Give up what? I don't have anything.

Will your life be incomplete without love?
- The love in my life now is sustaining me... Maybe.

What do you notice first in a guy/girl?
- The eyes. Then the height. Then I look down.

What do you like most about your crush?
- The way that he *li** **s h**r... The way that he **re*...

Do you like someone?
- Yeah, of course. What is a crush, after all?

Want to get married?
- Don't think so.

- Kulit.

Last person who hugged you?
- Mike. He offered a hug. I like hugs. Last person I hugged... Kevin. Fun to squeeze.

The one who loves you or the one you love?
- Same person. [I answered this wrong the first time around]

Friend or the person you love?
- Friend. Because the person I love will always be friends.
[I answered this wrong the first time around, too]


Scrap of Crap

Something Mr. Luis Katigbak made us write in our Creative Writing ACLE. The guy made me feel good with his comments - the only time I felt good this past week. And he said something that stuck to encourage us to write - Everyone has 10, 000 pages of crap in them. We need to force it all out. This is a scrap of one of those pages.

When I woke up this morning, I knew something was wrong. The rain fell outside my window, but I took no notice of the river flowing past our house; I was too preoccupied with a strange, somewhat sickening feeling that I had. Getting up from bed, I trudged slowly to the bathroom just outside my door. I switched on the lights and turned the faucet handles when I caught myself in the mirror. My face had an odd, disfigured look; one could hardly recognize me. Had something happened to me during the night? Had one of the birds or bats living in the tree beside our house swooped in through my open window and ravaged my face? Had aliens plastered my face with an odd sort of goo? Bu then it hit me - this was no disfigurement. Sparkling eyes, raised cheeks, slightly showing teeth, an oddly stretched appearance - I was smiling! I finally knew what was wrong.

I was happy.


15 bad reasons why I want to die now

  1. Nobody is talking to me; I'm on speaking terms with nobody. Puro "Hi." na lang. Tapos ang sama pa ng tingin ng mga tao sa 'kin. So I'm invisible now, or people just refuse to talk to me.
  2. Camia, post-Humanities Week, has no bragging rights. We didn't win anything except place 3rd in the Art fashion show. And it's all my fault. (People wanting to take this up with me, comment. I'll gladly show you why it's my fault.)
  3. I've had a throat infection, a slight fever, a pounding headache, and bigger eyebags since Tuesday. The throat infection isn't getting any better, the fever is getting worse, the headache is pounding harder, and my eyebags still haven't disappeared (since I went to Pisay, they never did go away).
  4. My CD player may be missing. Same with Inna's iPod charger. I'm responsible for both. I think they're both with Dem, but I can't be sure... And I might as well be fucking dead if I don't find both.
  5. I don't get Geom or Chem or Algeb. I'm going to fail.
  6. My class hates me for being a bossy, overbearing bastard. Ulit.
  7. The world is a scary place where people talk behind other people's backs, friendships aren't really true, and lies are what make up society. I don't want to live in a world na ganito.
  8. I'm almost always alone now. Nothing happened; it's just that I have no one to be with these days. Kahit with Anna.
  9. No one texts, and I can't text anyone - either because they're angry at me, or they really just don't text. Baka di na dapat ako mag-unli; bale wala rin naman eh. Buti pa 'ung mga ibang tao...
  10. Haven't done anything useful for anyone.
  11. No one is tagging, or commenting. Just a bit more to make me feel worthless, unnoticed and invisible.
  12. I think there's something wrong with my mind. I'm totally serious. Minsan I go into sorts of seizures or convulsions. Or minsan feel ko na i-untog ko ulo ko. I'm scared for my sanity and my self.
  13. I'm doubting.
  14. Carlo is sick. Of course everyone gets sick, but he actually texted people to pray for him. This is so fucking scary. Anong mangyayari sa kanya? If ever... Shit, ayoko pag-isipan...
  15. I'm failing God. Sobra. He knows it. Di pa 'ko umattend nung b-day celebration sa BRHM. Youth For Christ pa ba talaga ako? I mean, as I am now... I've almost totally turned away from Him...
Grabe, ang papansin ko, 'no? So damn pathetic...


Grade-Point below Average

Seems like everyone's doing it... so...

BIO1: 1.5
CH1: 1.75
PH1: 1.75
M2: 1.75
M3: 1.75
CS2: 1.25
E2: 1.25
F2: 1.5
SS2: 1.25
PEHM 2: 1.25
VE 2: 1.25
A2: 1.25
ENV: 1.25
GPA: 1.4464

Yeah, so DL ako. And wala akong 2.0 grade. But compared to all the other people on the Director's List, I feel really stupid. I mean, what sort of honors student can't ace PEHM? (*coughnerdcough*) And what sort of honors student can't ace a subject at all? (*hackstupidhack*) Wala akong uno, in case you haven't noticed. It sucks that I can't even get getting good grades right.

Andaming tao nagsasabi, "At least DL!" Yeah. But when you had goals in mind (goals: to get a higher average than my 1st quarter
last year; to ace at least 2 subjects) that you can't seem to achieve, no matter what you do, parang bale wala na rin eh. I could do SO much better, sa totoo lang.