Poem Post 4: Nanigas

lamig na bumabalot sa king`
naninigas na katawan
walang maramdaman
(walang damdamin)
pinatay ang apoy

nawawalang liwanag
pinatay ang sunog
ang puso'y nahulog
(pusong nilaglag)
tinapo't tinaboy



To those who know what I'm talking about - no, I never totally got over him. But all I want him to do now is to let me say sorry. Just say sorry and understand. Then I can move on with my life and stop obsessing over him. He'll never read this, I know, but if someone out there knows who and what I'm talking about, hopefully that person will tell him about it. I live life looking back over my shoulder, thinking I saw him or heard him. I always do double takes because I want myself to believe that he's there. I want him to see this and know this, but I know he probably never will.


Finally, it is over.

The Assessment, I mean. Here it is.

- Such a big attitude - totally unexpected of you. You opened my eyes to many things about sa atin. Smart in a lot of ways, but undependable in some. Di-mahulaan - talagang you and your friends.
i know i can trust this person 88% of the time

- The best people in life seem to never get what they deserve. Kahit sobrang sipag at bait mo, that reward seems so close and yet so far away - but you'll get what you want someday. Have confidence - kaya mo 'yan.
i know i can trust this person 96% of the time

- Nanay, kaibigan, konsensya - that's what you were. You were one of the few I could believe, and kept me anchored all of the time. Learn to see 'yung ibang tao in better lights, and have more courage to take on challenges.
i know i can trust this person 93% of the time

- My big sister and my first crush(^_^;). You kept me conscious of what I did and what I said, and a lot of people changed in front of you. Talagang ate at heart, 'di ba? Pero why so torpe and unwilling to be associated with *--beep--*?? =D
i know i can trust this person 96% of the time

- [Written totally in English, the hateful language I speak and was doomed to speak. I think madami naghihintay for this.] I guess the term 'friends' was extremely shallow to you. As it was to me. I didn't know whom I could consider a friend then, that's why I turned to you. But you turned ON me. Until now, for the shallow reasons that you have, I still don't know why. We could have talked. We could have not begun this endless war that has hurt and poisoned so many others. But you were not willing to talk, obviously. Though I'm kind of thankful that you caused me such pain. Because when you pushed me off, I hit rock bottom, and it was only there that I could see what I, you, and almost everyone else were living - lies. Lives of deceit and backstabbing. Lives of uncertainty and unacceptance. Lives full of two-sided swords and words, of sharpened knives and sharp tongues. Lives of the people I consider my friends - the lives I wanted myself to hate. But somehow, I fell into that rut, and until now am still not able to pick myself up. You said you'd forgive me someday. Never mind. Too late.
i know i can almost never trust this person.

- You are smart and able to speak up in a lot of ways. I admired you for those - 'wag mong isiping wala kang kaibigan, because you do. I'll always consider you as a friend, if you are willing to do the same.
i know i can trust this person 79% of the time

- I trusted you, because I was so pathetic and easily trusting then; 'di ko alam ang gagawin. Now, I trust you because I know I actually can. I thought you were there because you belonged - ngayon alam ko na kasi pinili mo 'yun. Let us try to attain our selves without others - what we want. Supreme respect - that's what I tribute to you and your work. Let us try to get out of that rut we are trapped in. We confide and we divulge, we love and we loathe, we trust and we trick; for we are us. At walang makakasabi na hindi. Nyahah.
i know i can trust this person 90% of the time

- You are creative and full of ingenuity - things I like in many people I meet. Kung kaya mo naman sa art, why not express yourself the same way personally; through your voice and self?
i know i can trust this person 94% of the time

- Funny but open - very open - you showed yourself through the things you said and the ideas you gave. 'Di ka takot na sabihin ang iniisip mo sa mga kaibigan mo; although sometimes this could get you on the wrong side of things.
i know i can trust this person 89% of the time

- 'Di ko pa rin maintindihan kung ano ang ayaw nila sa 'yo - you were misunderstood and mistreated. I pitied you, a good person at heart, a hardworking person at hand, and a great friend giving bits of advice. I wanted to reach out - although that would be the blind leading his kind. Just be yourself - but listen to constructive criticism, not to their spite.
i know i can trust this person 82% of the time

There. Have you figured out who they all are yet? No? Too bad. Thank you to all of the people of Opal, who changed me in the many ways I would not have thought possible. I'll miss us. Really.



Guys, according to the CPMA Foundation Rules, I can't post my poems. At all. So tag or IM me if you want a copy of the collection."Hard-headed, Half-hearted" is the title. Just a tiny advertisment. Thanks.



~~~something I wrote down in my planner out of boredom... ~~~

Wow. It's like I haven't talked to myself on years. This summer sucks - why does everyone have to have a better summer than me? My CDs, my notebook, my planner, my phone: the only things left that are keeping me sane.

Where has all the angst gone? It's turned into anger - the 'st' into 'er'. Pain begets passion, now there's no pain (only hurt) and I can't feel anymore.

No, I haven't explored myself, nor grown up, nor learned anything this summer. Why am I doomed to nothing when I could be talking to people. Maybe other people would be better off w/o me.

I don't know.

But I'm so desperate - I need to feel someone because I can't feel myself anymore and I need passion, pain in passion. I have not yet learned to write in bliss only black; I revel in angst the small pains that build up and eventually kill me - dying everyday?

I don't know, maybe not.

I just noticed the spontaneousness of this. I'm usually never spontaneous. I guess I'm really desperate - who knows?

What was the last Starbucks drink I had ba? Ewan...Ah, Iced Venti Chocolate Cream Frappucino. At Mega. That made me feel good. But seeing Pisay would make me feel better. I wonder if I can trust my newly re-discovered friends...I think I can, at least I should, because I'll have to work w/ them the whole year. I wish I was back in school, wondering aimlessly.

[Will I be posting this in my blog?

I don't know.

There are a lot of things I don't know about.]

What is wrong with me? I feel sleepier, and it's not summer or the summer heat. I feel nothing BUT sleepy. A sleepy passion? Haha...ewan.

Maybe when I post this I could slip in a subliminal message or something. You know, italicize or capitalize or color letters & parts of words or something.

Ouch. My arm hurts from being used as a pillow.

I guess this is the summer I'm doomed to. I want to be me again.