A lot of shit at once

I've been taking a lot of shit from myself these days… and really, it's just all so damn fuckin' stupid… grabe…
First of all, there's all this Humanities Week stuff. It isn't at all humane; the "celebration" should be Inhumanities Week. They're forcing us - and I expect they'll be doing this to us the whole of second year - to do a whole crapload of stuff at once. This is what I hate about Pisay - akala ng admin, mga teacher, at mga parents na students can do so much so well with so little time and materials; they think we're programmed to run as efficiently as machinery. The talking tableau, speech choir, fashion show… Tapos they expect me to participate in the KKKwiz and perform for the Pisay anniversary luncheon with Anna. Probably what the departments and administration had in mind was "Ui! I know! Let's all give more things na dapat gawin ng mga studyante, tapos let's watch them fail miserably in trying to do them! Pure entertainment!" I'm sorry to the decent people in the Pisay system, but damn them all for not giving us time to prepare. Damn them all for not explaining it all clearly to us. Damn those people who show no consideration about these things.
Then, I'm also failing miserably (by my standards). Yes, I made it to the Director's List again this year, but with a 1.46-something average. I aspired to get higher than my 1st quarter last year (1.444), but I didn't get it. At this rate, I'll never be able to reach a 1.2-something GPA. It'll also be really embarrassing if I don't get a 1.0 in English this second quarter. Parang wala akong natutunan last year kay Sir Arghs. And I'm afraid my grades will go the exact same way they did for the 2nd quarter last year - bagsakaaan. Siguro bababa na subjects ko: Bio, Physics, Chem, Geom, Algeb, SocSci, English, Filipino, PEHM… Hah. Parang nilista ko na rin lahat eh, no?

Tapos there's the fact na galit na Camia sa 'kin… yeah, galing, 'no? 2nd quarter pa lang, galit na sila kaagad… I've been called an authoritative asshole, a bossy bastard, a fucking undeserving piece of shit… If the way they looked at me could kill, I'd be dead. Forcing people to do what they don't want to do is like trying to push a stray dog out of the path of an oncoming car; good intentions bite. Literally. I want to give up soooooooooooooo badly, but then if I do, I'll only be even more frustrated with myself and everyone else (if that's still even humanely possible). They hate me because I act like one big fucker; they hate me because I'm me. 'Di talaga ako natututo… Mayabang pa rin talaga ako, 'no?
And what's even worse is my relationship with other people is crumbling and rotting fast… I can't even hang on to the few people close to me… They're all beginning to hate me because I'm so pathetic; because I can't do anything right. Nakaka-depress daw ako; nakaka-asar na daw ako dahil ang down ko lagi; I really can't do anything right, can I?

'Di pa ko nakakatulog ng maayos. 'Di pa 'ko kumakain ng maayos. I've been doing so many wrong things these past nights. I'm breaking out. I'm breaking down. Basta. Kapag mag-hi kayo sa 'kin sa corridors and 'di ako sumagot, you know why nakababa ulo ko and parang malapit na 'ko umiyak. Pero I appreciate it na there are some people who still want to smile at me kahit minsan. I hope somehow, if I get through this, I can forget about it all…



Some great musical scripts I found online; I want to share these to the world. Thanks to Ma'am Fil for indirectly directing me to these.

Avenue Q! How can you not love these guys??

RENT; NYTW 1994. A very strange variation of the RENT I know and love. I'd really like to hear
this one.

RENT. My passion and my purpose. o.O

Seussical. The wackiness of Willy Wonka Dr. Seuss himself. Shlopp, anyone?

Wicked! << What the title says. Wicked!!



There was a tie daw... Nyeheheh. I'm a Benny-Joanne-Roger. I sell out and betray my friends, bitch about Maureen, and emo to the max. lol.

Which RENT character are you?

From Bullcrap to Baptism

It's really strange how one night you can be so miserably sad, and so inspired and happy the next.

I wanted to dance with her. I really did. But I wasn't able to. And now she's pissed. 'Nuff said.

The night of the Soph Nyt was also the first night of the SCA-YFC Youth Camp - also at Pisay. The party was at the ASTB, and the camp doon sa gym. Kaya pumunta kami dun after the party. Me, si RC at si Julius. I discovered I had missed out on being a faci (or so I thought) and that we had missed the first talk (which, given that I don't
like talks, really isn't a bad thing). I also discovered that I was separated from the other 2nd years there, 'cause I was a service team member. The only sophomore service team member. I really wanted to become a facilitator, (because I wanted to do something) and I asked, but the prospect of being assigned so late was dim. The night was almost over, and I had just enough time to do everything that I had to. Si RC umuwi, because she wasn't allowed to stay, pero si Julius (who brought his dorm mattress ata) stayed - with two other '09 people... Apollo and Alexis ata... and Jio and Kevin were there... although 'di sila namamansin... hmm. I still felt crummy that night - after-effect noong party - kaya I texted. Tricia and Jill replied... so did Kuya... Nagdrama ako... I described the crumminess I felt to Jill as a bad aftertaste... and somehow, nakatulog ako, thinking to myself, "Kung ganito naman ako buong camp, dapat pala umuwi na lang ako. Waste ng P200 lang." But then there was still tomorrow.

Waking up with cold feet (the literal kind; it was damn cold), I joined the service team in a meeting and learned the simple rule of service:
"The participant is always first." Meaning we could not eat or take baths if they hadn't yet. We served them - literally. Oh, RC and Josh attended that day, being sort of "extern-participants." Then later, I was told by Ate Aida (the head of the whole thing, but not a Team Leader) and Ate Clarisse - I was to be a facilitator! *woot* Tapos I learned why I was being assigned. Si Jeff, the only freshman service team member (Super-active supermember ng YFC si Jeff. Buti pa siya.) was going to be left alone handling a discussion group consisting almost completely of upper years - literally big 3rd and 4th years. And I had to help him cover more ground. Graaaah. Now I didn't want the job - think, having to lead upper years! It felt strange; facilitators have to respect service team members, pero we have to respect upper years din. Pero, I guess... mutual respect ang meaning
nun... And it ended up quite well nga eh... The rest of the day, in a nutshell, was indescribable. Basta, it was alllllll just... soooooo... *wooooooot!!* Especially the Tongues workshop and the Baptism... I've never felt so empowered and inspired in my life before - to just feel everything, the passion, the love, the faith... It felt so great to be so free.

And RC said something that made me think. We were all so united and happy - why not do this with our batch?? It'd be great in so many ways... 'di ba?