Beginning An End.

First, an explanation on why I haven't updated for so long...
Computer ban.

That was easy. Now for everything else. With Sub-blog-titles.

I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown because I'm afraid I'm going to fail Pisay. Not fail as in fail, but fail. Get it? No? Ok, how about this...

My English 1.0 may be lost forever (because of the war games)
My Filipino 1.75 will go even lower
My IS 2.0 will never go up
My Math 2.25 has even lower chances of doing so
My TechPrep is currently at a 1.25 from it's two-quarter 1.0

It hurts so much...my dreams of regaining DL status, lost and destroyed. The only intact part shattered to pieces.

I hate the world right now for not hating me. They ignore me.
I want the world to cry and feel pain.
I want the world to know how my life feels - how being inadequate and hurt feels.
I want the world to feel hopelessness.
I want the world to know how it is, not being able to enjoy a cup of coffee.
I want the world to die with me.

I don't know if <> my friend. <> been warmer to me these past few weeks...not as cold as before. It feels good to be able to talk to <> once again. I just hope the monster raging within me doesn't end our friendship with the admission of guilt and a deadly obsession. If you're reading this, I hope you don't take this badly, <>. As Eru says, "I choose to hold you in my dreams, because in my dreams I can hold you forever." Don't leave me, friend.

Windows to the Soul
I look into your eyes and see
Look into my eyes and see
The love
The hate
The light
The hurt
The rain
The music you create
The words I create
The music I have heard
The words you have uttered
The times you've turned
The times I burned
Out of time. Next time na lang 'yung iba. Thanks for checking my blog.


In Fairness...

My first Pisay fair was something of a joyous moment, tiring experience, and depressing shit.

DAY 1: Overall, okay...
Well, we thought that the booths were supposed to open at 7:30 sharp, so we were cramming our gameboard into the hour we had left. Then the bell rang, so we had to go into the IS room...but Ma'am Toledo never came. So we set up our tent in the field and found out that the fair would only start once the opening ceremony was done. So we got everything up in time (thank God). Our booth sold good that day, but unfortunately Allison (the dog) and the turtles (1&2) were won...we had the annoying, prodding feeling that we were losing money...somehow...Too bad I couldn't watch the Animé Cosplay...although I saw Sir Joey's rockin' costume...I think he was some dude from Guilty Gear or FF, judging by the cool sword...

DAY 2: Tiring and totally pointless...
It's like we peaked the first day...we gained half of our previous gains, and the Grand Prize was once again won...I was tired, but not at all happy...I arranged a marriage between Eru and Vince of Sapph...then it had to rain, so all the booths closed early - the marriage was moved to the next day...then I heard heartbreaking and painful things from Thea of Garnet...it was a sad and depressing day...I suppose all major events in my life have one...

DAY 3: Excitingly exhilarating...
I was thinking to myself, "Should we even open today??" Half of the booths were closed. We opened and closed way too early; it had rained again. I was afraid Carlo would hate me for dragging him all the way there. But he didn't. When me and my Ate picked him up from Claret, he was there...and he looked good; I couldn't keep my eyes off him...so we arrived at the fair, and still, half of the booths were closed. But he enjoyed it (I think); considering the circumstances...he was so damn generous it made me feel guilty; paying for half (or more) of everything. While we were walking around most of the few people there looked at me approvingly or strangely - we looked like we were on a date...gahd. So we took cover in the cool, dark, and quiet shade of the Music room dead-end...twice, in fact. We both rested there; him with his back against the wall and me with my head on his leg (*u*). I could have died right there...he acted like he was my boyfriend, not my best friend. But he had to leave...he wasn't allowed to go to the concert. So I had to find concert mates. I went back to the boot tent and joined in the clamor for the leftover prizes. Faith and Ici invited me to keep them company at the concert till 7 - they were the only j.e.f.a.y.i.f. at the concert(apart from Ysy, who was touring a friend). We got in line behind Josh, Don2, Jio, and Kevin, who appeared to be the only Opalites we could see. Inside, we took places up front, where we saw Ysy with her (really tall!) friend from Poveda(I think.). A whole heck of people were also there, like Quintin, DJ, Luigi, Inna, Thea, etc....Ate Dezkit pulled me to the front to see Giniling Festival...who rocked! (more on the concert bands later) We screamed and shouted; and I found myself, of all people, beside Superman (like most of you don't know him). I was on thin ice with this guy, but throughout the whole concert it was like we were friends...the ice had been broken somehow.

"Somehow the fair, with all of its fucked-up ups and downs, turned out great. I didn't regret going to it at all. I just wish my life would turn out that way." - journal entry.


Reaching Out

Today was our SocSci outreach program...it was a happy day, a very happy day...

We crammed the puppet show backgrounds in the 2 hours befor the kids arrived...actually, all of us (Dia-Garnet-Opal-Topaz) were cramming our contributions to the outreach program...then we found out that out of the 40 kids we were expecting, only 15 could come...

Me and Erin, in a desprate clamor for a partner to take care of a child, went up to the bunch of kids together. They were watching us like we were foreign beings who wanted to kill...joking and saying a lot of carp about me and Erin getting married and having a child, we got this quiet little boy named J...j...Jerome! There! (Whoh shit, I thought I forgot my kid's name!)

Anyway, the program started...with Gee-an and Khail of Topaz hosting (did I get your spellingz right?!?)...it was funny and sick and quite stupid...so much it was really good...it even got my spirits up...so there were things like our puppet show! (Go Culas-Culasitos!! Go scissors and tape!!) And a -dance?!- by people from Dia...then a *spontaneously-crammed-but-still-funny* comedy by Garnet (funny at least to us...)...then a sing-and-dance by Topaz; their rendition of "Pinoy Ako"...not to mention Paeng popping up all over with his songs and his boneless body...

It was fun...the food wasn't poisoned (for once)...the face paint booth was alright, even if the face-paint was a bit runny and the Naruto ninja symbols weren't discernible at all. There were a whole heck of fun games, too...I wanted to play...There were also fun play areas, art booths, and a booth where you could throw stuff at Garnet people (woohoo!)...it was meant to uplift the spirits of the kids, but even I became happier after that experience...

But it's so sad though...these children with cancer won't live very long...yet they choose to live life and try to be happy...yet I throw my life away in depression and sadness...

"Forget regret/ Or life is yours to miss/"


Straight from the CS Room

OMG! I'm actually posting from the ComSci room...people are playing, surfing, singing around me with their speakers blaring...4-Leaf Clover is cramming in front of me...careless abandon...should be a subject at school...



Post-Birthday Post

I'm 14.

Not that I really makes any difference, but I just went and said it.

Last day of being 13 (01/05/06)

The day that made the difference. During Music, we were told to tell the class what we were most thankful for in 2005, and what our resolutions were in 2006. When it was my turn, I started easy and happy. But somehow, in some way, I began sniffing, then sobbing, then I broke down totally. I don't know what happened, but every bitter thought and feeling I had poured out to the class; I was crying and I was shivering and I was weak; people were staring, looking away or (in the case of Mikaela Angela Bito-onon Suansing) laughing; I was stuttering and repeating what I was saying; I couldn't see, hear or think straight (the non-preference related 'straight')...

After the whole thing I felt extremely worse than I had before. I walked around and I was silent, angry and depressed. But then Jiggs and Anna talked to me...I felt so much better afterwards...the ironic thing is, we didn't really talk...they just listened...

Kevs also texted me...said it was the right thing, what I did...Don2 did the same...gave me support...so did most of the girls of Opal...I then realized just who I could trust; who could help me...

The aging process (01/06/06)

They say when you cry one day, you laugh the next. True enough for my birthday.

I celebrated my birthday with Pizza Hut...5 boxes of Meat Lovers' Stuffed Crust Pizza, 5 boxes of Hawaiian Pizza, 10 slices each box combined with me, my friends and teachers equals zero slices of pizza left...

My birthday was pretty much enjoyable, 'cause we pigged out at The Old Spaghetti House along Katipunan then had dessert at Starbucks...best one I'd had yet...

But I don't have much to say anymore...my time online is limited...and I'm bored...I'll just go listen to the RENT soundtrack now...one of the best musicals I've never watched...^_^;

Will I lose my dignity?/ Will someone care?/ Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?


Poem Post 2: Eternal Obsession

actually, the part of the poem in blue was a poem on it's own...I just built on it... My dedication, by the way:
"Ooic ngo nto nta. Anno ne an." Leave a comment to know what this means...

I cried myself to sleep at night
Hidden in the dark
Away from the light

"I can never touch your face
Be in your sweet embrace
I'm the stalker staring
I'm the friend who's caring
I can't not love you
The wrong way I do"

I didn't know how long
This obsession would go on
It was so wrong
I wanted it to


So I stopped staring
I stopped caring
I was left with nothing
And my nothing felt so right
I was okay
I was alright.

But I cried myself to sleep at night
Hidden in the dark
Away from the light
'Cause my nothing
No longer felt right

"This love is a curse
This love is a blight"

I thought I was over you
I thought I had stopped caring
I thought I had stopped staring
But a misery overbearing
wearing me
tearing me

And so I cry myself to sleep at night
Hidden in the dark.