8.30.2006

A lot of shit at once

I've been taking a lot of shit from myself these days… and really, it's just all so damn fuckin' stupid… grabe…
WBKW…
First of all, there's all this Humanities Week stuff. It isn't at all humane; the "celebration" should be Inhumanities Week. They're forcing us - and I expect they'll be doing this to us the whole of second year - to do a whole crapload of stuff at once. This is what I hate about Pisay - akala ng admin, mga teacher, at mga parents na students can do so much so well with so little time and materials; they think we're programmed to run as efficiently as machinery. The talking tableau, speech choir, fashion show… Tapos they expect me to participate in the KKKwiz and perform for the Pisay anniversary luncheon with Anna. Probably what the departments and administration had in mind was "Ui! I know! Let's all give more things na dapat gawin ng mga studyante, tapos let's watch them fail miserably in trying to do them! Pure entertainment!" I'm sorry to the decent people in the Pisay system, but damn them all for not giving us time to prepare. Damn them all for not explaining it all clearly to us. Damn those people who show no consideration about these things.
OHZGHJLW QK WH ‘OK, JIBHGB…
Then, I'm also failing miserably (by my standards). Yes, I made it to the Director's List again this year, but with a 1.46-something average. I aspired to get higher than my 1st quarter last year (1.444), but I didn't get it. At this rate, I'll never be able to reach a 1.2-something GPA. It'll also be really embarrassing if I don't get a 1.0 in English this second quarter. Parang wala akong natutunan last year kay Sir Arghs. And I'm afraid my grades will go the exact same way they did for the 2nd quarter last year - bagsakaaan. Siguro bababa na subjects ko: Bio, Physics, Chem, Geom, Algeb, SocSci, English, Filipino, PEHM… Hah. Parang nilista ko na rin lahat eh, no?

Tapos there's the fact na galit na Camia sa 'kin… yeah, galing, 'no? 2nd quarter pa lang, galit na sila kaagad… I've been called an authoritative asshole, a bossy bastard, a fucking undeserving piece of shit… If the way they looked at me could kill, I'd be dead. Forcing people to do what they don't want to do is like trying to push a stray dog out of the path of an oncoming car; good intentions bite. Literally. I want to give up soooooooooooooo badly, but then if I do, I'll only be even more frustrated with myself and everyone else (if that's still even humanely possible). They hate me because I act like one big fucker; they hate me because I'm me. 'Di talaga ako natututo… Mayabang pa rin talaga ako, 'no?
HWGHOLC WH ‘FL QK WH ‘OK JLWHJHWGLW…
And what's even worse is my relationship with other people is crumbling and rotting fast… I can't even hang on to the few people close to me… They're all beginning to hate me because I'm so pathetic; because I can't do anything right. Nakaka-depress daw ako; nakaka-asar na daw ako dahil ang down ko lagi; I really can't do anything right, can I?

'Di pa ko nakakatulog ng maayos. 'Di pa 'ko kumakain ng maayos. I've been doing so many wrong things these past nights. I'm breaking out. I'm breaking down. Basta. Kapag mag-hi kayo sa 'kin sa corridors and 'di ako sumagot, you know why nakababa ulo ko and parang malapit na 'ko umiyak. Pero I appreciate it na there are some people who still want to smile at me kahit minsan. I hope somehow, if I get through this, I can forget about it all…

1 Comments:

Blogger Melancholy Sunrise said...

dude... first quarter's always like that...

fourth qtr is what matters... and it is possible to get 1.15 @ 4th qtr... my classmate did... 1.48 ata first qtr...

is an "I believe in you, Gian Karlo Dapul" enough?

9/09/2006 10:51:00 PM  

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