inkblotter

This blog

2008-05-17T19:47:00.001+08:00

has been abandoned. Forever.

But it doesn't really have to end, does it.

An Open Letter To All Girls

2007-12-28T23:22:00.000+08:00

[nakaw lang 'to kay Drew, pero super aliw siya. and very true. so, yeah, i suggest to all guys, repost, and to all girls, read. and reread. kung di ka tamaan ng malakas, tumawa ng malakas. :p]

Ever wonder, "what happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were f*cking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an a$$hole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've f*cked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the sh!t and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't f*cking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy

The French know true obscurity

2007-12-25T01:22:00.000+08:00

Joyeux Noël, chacun. Surtout ceux j'ai aimé, l'amour et aimerai à plusieurs reprises.

the easy way out?

2007-12-18T19:08:00.000+08:00

PJ Tolentino: is it soooo vital to your future that you must study instead of looking for something fun to do?
moi: well yeah, i guess
moi: at least, that's how it looks like now

i guess?
what kind of an answer is that? :| i mean, he does kinda have a point.

in keeping with (dis)spirit

2007-12-18T18:05:00.000+08:00

my christmas list:

surprise me.
...
no, seriously.

right now i pretty much had everything i ever wanted, just not on christmas. 'course, i don't get to keep any of it, but at least i had it. (i think.)

if you asked me what i want for the year though, let's just start with me getting a 1400 or higher on my SATs. yes, i'm taking the SATs - i'm concerned about my future, surprisingly enough. and not so surprisingly, i'm getting fucked up over college. where, when, how, WHY. people are saying i'll be doing great. but i'm imagining more along the lines of "high school nerd that can't getting into college the right way." i want the scholarships, i want the pinag-aagawang acceptance, i want the offers, i want thw world. just that i have no idea how to get to that point. i have no information, no initiative. and it doesn't help that my parents are not supportive in the least. not in the fucking least. their consciousness and framework of thinking follows the pattern of "maghanap ka na nga ng pupuntahan so we can kick you out already!" yes, i shall resent them forever; gago sila and i don't have to be an arrogant bastard to say that. :|

(yeh, i ranted. i only realized now.)

return of the living dead

2007-12-12T23:14:00.000+08:00

i'm back, and i kinda realized that this blog doesn't really mean anything to me anymore. not really, no. maybe it's because i got a life, or maybe it's because i found something else.

given, i'll start posting again. i won't let this beautiful *cough* thing get totally ruined by spam and ads.

wait, what am i doing? nobody reads this gawddemned thing anyways. :3 the first sign of isnanity is talking to yourself.

[and the second sign is misspelling insanity. lol]

in other news, my pics from matabungkay are up. oh yeah, you didn't know about that. oh well, here ya go.

Free flowing puke

2007-10-27T23:02:00.000+08:00

The social stratosphere, known as "Sai," is divided into various levels with unclear definitions and changing gradients. No one unit can be strictly classified into one sector, because classification relies on an entire set of qualitative arbitrary factors:

mapherah - true economic status
mapheque - assumed economic status
matern - definitive habitation
makadha - the groups a unit frequents
maiquau - fame/infamy among other units
maiyuno - attainment
maighawyn - interests and skills

Mapherah, mapheque, and maiyuno are measurable by qualitative degree, while matern is binary - "xet" or "nit." Makadha, maiquau, and maghawyn descriptions are ever-changing but remain almost consistent for different points of view. This gives us, partially, the first axiom of Sai, which states that:

"For all units, Sai is subjective, ever-changing, and uncertain."

i guess

2007-10-27T22:52:00.001+08:00

i stopped giving a damn about this blog when i stopped giving a damn about the things i used to care about.

times have changed and so have people, but not in the way i'd have liked everything to go.

so what happens now?

me, myself and id

2007-10-27T22:48:00.000+08:00

he says he says he can’t
right

write?

what is this write you speak of?
all he knows is how to type
and the keyboard says <-Ba space

he won’t look in the mirror
because then he’d have to describe himself
why would he want to do that?
his eyes are red unlike his paperbacks
his lips are cracked unlike his pages
his mind is open unlike his books

a writer without words?
oh no, he has a very rich something

no poem here
the only thing he knows how to do
is to lie his way through one
is to lie his way to one

unequal and opposite reaction

2007-10-17T21:20:00.000+08:00

I'm like, "wtf, blog action day?"

Yup. I have a blog and I never heard of it, never found out about it, never read about it until I started seeing their posts.

And I go, "wtf, nobody told me."

But then, nobody really has to tell me, right?

And then I go, "wtf who gives a damn."

And then I leave it at that. It'd seem kinda pathetic kung hinabol ko pa or anything. And I'm not really in the mood right now. Really.

the best retreatment. :D

2007-10-07T16:18:00.000+08:00

"Oh, I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But, darling, not as much as tomorrow"

The retreat was awesome. I'm usually not an "oh we did this and this and that" kind of person, but it can't be helped since the experience was good.

So once we had arrived at the retreat center by van, we got adjusted to the cooler-and cleaner-than-Manila air and got adjusted. We were told not to bring food into the rooms, but we did anyway. c:{ "*" people were making twinkly gestures, ":" people were raising their fists, that sort of thing. Then we (the batch council) had them play the warped "Bring me" game. We'd stop at the adjective and have them bring people who thought would fit. Then we judged them. XD

"Bring us the person with the largest... pimple."
"Bring us the person with the longest... breath."
"Bring us the person with the highest... singing voice."

And then I got cheesy and had them get the ones with the biggest.. heart. Aww. XD And then I got everyone to hug! Yay. Hugs all around. :3 Then we went to our rooms and slept with the memories of that evening.

Yeah, right.

I slept for exactly half a minute, I swear. The rest of the night me and my roommates (DR, Maceren, RD, Cabbie, Jan, Gero, Ricky, Echi, Luigi - you can see how the room was named :P) were just talking, from the stupendously scandalous. Forearms, lol. Then we played cards and stuff. I think Caballa got drunk on fermented apple juice or something. Then later on, as we lay down (and I was being hugged in bed X3), we talked about inane stuff. Like how "Ren and Stimpy" was made by some sick bastard. Or how the hell can "heart" be an element. (We're the Planeteers!) Or how AK-47s are the awesomest guns ever. Yeah.

The next day, I didn't attend the retreat.

What?

Yeah, I left around 9 to go to my Lolo's burial in nearby Batangas.

Nerio Dapul
+ Requiescat in pace +

It was... sad, to say the least. And it was only then that I ever felt real loss.

The only time I ever really thought about losing the people I love. Forever. My Lolo was never close to me, and I was never close to him, but the sad part is there will always be a great gap somewhere in my life that he filled. "Let's go visit _ and Lola."

Returning to the retreat house, I felt out of place - they had just undergone some emotional experience of a different sort. But I brushed it off after receiving Confession, which, for me, is comparative to taking a bath after a month. And our next batch activity made me happy again. Human bingo. It was a really nice experience, albeit a sheepish one, because quite a few people asked me to sign "Ex-crush." x.x

Afterwards, the Palanca-cum-candle-lighting began. I had cheese spouting out of my mouth in prayer. I can't believe all the teachers and parents liked that. -_-; Anyway, I got my Palancas, and they were all so awesome. I got some from people I'd never even expected (I also didn't get any from some people I wanted to get Palancas from, but oh well, they mostly shine anyway XD). The one from my parents was... unexpectedly positive. :]

Later on in the night, we slept with the memories of that evening.

No, seriously, we were tired like shit. XD

The next morning, the last day of the retreat, we woke up and had our batch prayer. The singing put me in an emotionally pumped mood, as well as in the mass afterwards. Where I recieved Communion again (achievement!). We left after hurriedly packing (I left my microbe. :c Actually, they left it, but it was because... nvm, Gero might kill me XD), took batch pictures, and we went home.

All in all, it was a damn awesome experience that I don't ever want to repeat ever again.

Coz I want it better next time. :D

*

Haberday RC :D May multo sa retreat XDD Sana'y mapalad ang iyong palad at mabuti ang iyong mga buto :3

Terrorizing the Terror

2007-09-18T23:41:00.000+08:00

...because surprisingly enough, I feel that this essay is socially relevant enough to be shown and laughed at by others. So here.

Terrorism is defined as violence or other harmful acts committed or threatened against civilians for political or other ideological goals. These are carried out by what are called “acts of terror,” which, according to the UN Security Council Resolution 1566, are “criminal acts, including against civilians, committed… with the purpose to provoke a state of terror in… a group of persons or particular persons, intimidate a population or compel a government or an international organization to do or to abstain from doing any act.” To prevent such acts, measures known as counter-terrorism measures are employed by governments and organizations internationally. One of these measures, according to the U.S. government, is the designation of certain organizations as “foreign terrorist organizations,” or FTOs; according to Colin Powell of the U.S. Secretary of State, “FTO designations play a critical role in our fight against terrorism and are an effective means of curtailing support for terrorist activities and pressuring groups to get out of the terrorism business.”

A well-known local example of these supposed organizations is the Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP) and its military wing, the National People’s Army (NPA). This leading communist party in the Philippines, founded by Jose Ma. Sison in 1968, is an ideologically Maoist union that has been fighting a “people’s war” since 1969. It is known to be one of the more controversial left-leaning coalitions in the National Democratic Front. The group’s military wing has long been accused of conducting civilian killings and rampant destruction of both public and private properties (a recent happening is the alleged arson of school buildings in Natonin, Mt. Province), as well as extortion, illegal funding, and the like. Based on these allegations, in 2002 the CPP/NPA was placed on the list of “terrorist organizations,” where the likes of the Taliban and Al-Qaeda are found.

The FTO designation imposed upon the CPP/NPA classifies the joint organization as “terrorist,” and this classification allows the Philippine and US governments to cut off any form of financial or political support to the organization or any member of the organization, in order to prevent the funding, organization, and occurrence of supposed “acts of terror.” It aims to disable and disarm such acts or organizations that carry out such acts.

The designation and all encompassing laws, however, does not allow any government or military to use similar “acts of terror” to combat those of the CPP/NPA. The employment of anti-terrorist measures comparable to the “terrorist measures” employed by the NPA in the pursuit of its political beliefs is unjustifiable. UN Security Council Resolution 1456 states that “States must ensure that any measure taken to combat terrorism comply with all their obligations under international law… in particular international human rights, refugee, and humanitarian law.“ For both sides, the ends does not justify the means – whether it’s the CPP/NPA attempting to attain the fulfillment of their ideologies, or the military and government trying to combat the supposed terrorist group. Fighting fire with fire only stokes the flames of war. Of course, the local administration and its military, when needed, must employ measures to protect and prevent harm to its citizens; however, drastic measures such as torture, killing, and kidnapping (which, ironically, are the very same activities the government condemns), are inexcusable. Following the United Nations definition of terrorism, governments and militaries such as ours, if found guilty of such methods, should also be declared “terrorist.”

I believe that the CPP/NPA should remain classified as a terrorist organization only as a precautionary measure by both local and international governments. Until the communist party has shown that it has refrained from activities generally classifiable as terrorist, government and international institutions hold the right to cut financial, material, and political support, and the CPP/NPA shall remain as a terrorist group. But the government, in turn, must facilitate the diplomatic resolution of certain tensions between the leftist movement and current administration, and refrain from the use of drastic counter-terrorist methods, possibly shifting conflict from those whom are uninvolved to the two parties directly in dispute.

At least try to

2007-09-09T20:53:00.000+08:00

Angst is pain. Selfish, self-centered, small-time hurt, self-inflicted or otherwise, is still pain. Anybody who says otherwise has ideas roughly equivalent to "getting stabbed by a sword is painful, but having a hundred needles run through your gut isn't."

Angst is pain. Only in tinier, more drawn out quantities.

To throw a teenage cliché at all of you out there,

You don't understand.

flat liner

2007-09-06T22:09:00.000+08:00

my Multiply was originally made as a post area for stuff i did. i'm putting that purpose into... well, purpose, for once. :p yeah, this is the revised "broken glass full," and i got a 1.0 for this one. hope you like it. :D or at least appreciate the sleepless nights i put into it.

"Flat Liner"

cesium!

2007-08-21T21:46:00.000+08:00

i love all of you, lol ^^

._.

2007-08-18T23:49:00.000+08:00

I think my camera just got screwed. Yes, my wonderful 7.1 megapixel Fujifilm FinePix S5700. I uploaded some pics, and then, like old porn, it wouldn't turn on anymore. :|

This is what it looks like.

It's currently in ICU. And I am in a state of utter ._.-ness.

All who care pray for the souls of the sad sad camera and its sad sad owner. ._.

As deep as a 2-foot wading pool.

2007-08-18T20:40:00.000+08:00

Yeah, 2 feet deep. Duh.

I've noticed that most of me has become highly, increasingly, and extremely shallow. No depth, no poignancy, no mysticism whatsoever. But then, I've never been so fucking happy my entire life. (And yeah, I swear all the time.) What to do, what to do, what to feel.

I love being happy. On the other hand,
I can't write or think as deep. On the other hand,
I enjoy school and my class and friends more. On the other hand,
I don't self-reflect as often. On the other hand,
I'm perfectly fine where I am. On the other hand,

Ah, dammit, never mind. I'm not the least bit Jewish. Tradishuuun.

And who cares, it's not like anyone's reading this anymore with the wish to read it in mind. People just read it because they clicked on the link from some other blog. Like somebody I know said, "Do it for the heck of it."

I love Blogger autosaves.

because eeeeeverybody's doing it :p

2007-08-18T00:18:00.000+08:00

here. lol, i so don't know myself.

All the guitarists I know out there just got pwned, badly

2007-08-17T11:29:00.000+08:00

Watch what this guy does to the Simpsons' theme.

He also has the FF Chocobo theme, the Super Mario theme, Fur Elise, among others. Now this is art.

Anyone would wish they could rip his hands off and fuse them to one's own arms. He is ~~made of~~ win.

Calling off uncalled for

2007-08-15T19:11:00.000+08:00

Right now, about 25 million students from the elementary, high school, and college levels are dancing in celebration because of the cancellation of classes.

Fuck them.

Mr. or Ms. average person has no idea how hard it is for us, Philippine Science High School students, to cope with a scheduled, routine school life that forces us to go through tiring days and sleepless nights. And this average person has no idea how even more difficult it is to cope with an erratic, unplanned school life that expects us to do the damned exact same things, as if everything was peachy.

And it's hard to keep your cool, even in this cold cold season, when your school administration gives you bullshit - TOTAL AND UTTER BULLSHIT - about the "safety" and "welfare" of the students, when in fact their real intentions are to keep their fucking second-rate jobs. Wala kaming magawa, wala kaming magawa, wala kaming magawa, wala kaming magawa - of course, may ginagawa nga ba kayo?!

It's hard to keep your cool when you share a government department with an weather association that forecasts weather when it's already happened. When they call off classes within half an hour of rains disappearing altogether. When they call off classes because the storm will "intensify."

I may be unreasonably biased, angry, or frustrate right now, but it's not like the administration is any more reasonable. :|

Who's complaining? I am.

---

Paki-pass sa ibang Cesium na we may have a practice tomorrow sa Timog if PAGASA fucked up again. Magkakaroon din tayo ng run-through in the morning on Friday. Sets will also be prepared in the morning - Rb, wala kayong karapatan mag-complain, you're not performing until 10.

You don't know shit about me. :D

2007-08-14T22:55:00.000+08:00

Create your own Friend Test here

rainy days are here again

2007-08-08T22:21:00.000+08:00

but i'd really rather go to school. hehe. and i kinda hate the fact na napostpone yung ramayana namin. i was so hyped up and then -poof- came anticlimactic koko krunch. ever heard of prolonged suffering? yeah, it's something to that degree. at least everything is much cooler. although i can feel a cold coming on. *sniffle*

*

i just realized that my blog is not at all dial-up friendly. hahaha. powtek, 30.6 Kbps just never cuts it. except for KoL. :D

*

inspired and LSS-ing dahil sa Health essay. which i might post here. :D but for now the beautiful beautiful song in my head sung by a beautiful beautiful voice. dedix sa gusto ko sanang gawing sagot.

we live our lives, stigmatized. :]

Socially Relevant Post

2007-07-23T00:25:00.000+08:00

...my ass.

Coz I read it off some other dude's blog (hi ate :p) I just want to comment on the reason why we don't have classes tomorrow and why I might be able to finish my reqs for this week. SONA. State of The Nation Address.

Am I watching? Maybe.

Am I listening? Hell no.

I only see her speeches as another day off school and little more. Quite a few people have the same view.

What is the State of The Nation now? I don't know. I don't take it seriously, the same way the nation wouldn't take me or any of my generation seriously.

Apathy? Nah, more like I've made myself numb. Too painful to care right now, so I ignore it. Disappointing, my lack of social involvement is. I don't not care, but I don't really care either.

Got a problem with that? Me too.

"I know you're only blinding to keep back what the clouds are hiding."

2007-07-15T01:00:00.000+08:00

Awesomest music vid evarrr. :D FOB + HTF = The Carpal Tunnel of Love. Warning: HTF means gore. Oh, and ngayon ko lang napansin na the four dudes who go into the shop are Pat, Pete, Andy and Joe (FOB). Haha, they make heads roll and now theirs do too. XD

We take sour sips from life's lush lips
And we shake, shake, shake the hips in relationships
Stomp out this disaster town
You'll put your eyes to the sun and say, "I know
you're only blinding to keep back what the clouds are hiding."

And we might've started singing just a little soon
We're throwing stones at a glass moon

Whoa oh, we're so miserable and stunning
Whoa oh, love songs for the genuinely cunning, whoa-oh

We keep the beat with your blistered feet
And we bullet the words at the mockingbirds singing
Slept through the weekend and dreaming
Of sinking with the melody of the cliffs of eternity
Got postcards from my former selves saying: "How've you been?"

We might've said goodbyes just a little soon
(Stomp out this disaster town)
Robbing lips, kissing banks under this moon

Whoa oh, we're so miserable and stunning
Whoa oh, love songs for the genuinely cunning
Whoa oh, we're so miserable and stunning
Whoa oh, love songs for the genuinely cunning, ohh...

It was ice cream headaches and sweet avalanche
When the pearls in our shells got up to dance
You call me a bad tipper of the cradle
Tired yawns for fawns on hunter's lawns
We're the has-beens of husbands
Sharpening the knives of young wives
Take two years and call me when you're better
Take teardrops of mine, find yourself wetter

Whoa oh, we're so miserable and stunning
Whoa oh, love songs for the genuinely cunning
Whoa oh, we're so miserable and stunning
Whoa oh, love songs for the genuinely cunning

Broken Glass Full (drawn-out pride in a story)

2007-07-13T16:09:00.001+08:00

Sorry that I had to post this ah. Yabang ko lang talaga. :P

Broken Glass Full
by Gian Dapul

1 Burning rubber. Everything smelled like burning rubber. And like sulfur. Like rotting eggs. Ardman could remember the old, mottled parish priest from his childhood who screamed from the pulpit that the fires of hell smelled exactly like rotting eggs. Carabao crap. Hell smelled like his mother. Cheap essence of old lady who had done nothing in her years but watch some godforsaken noontime show while she screamed at him to pick up his clothes from the sala floor.

2 “Gerardo Manuelito Villamayor! Pick up your kalat! I don’t want your katarantaduhan here in this house ah! Diyos miyo.”

3 She was like all the other rosary-clutching verse-blabbering gossiping manangs at the parish whose faces had probably killed Christ himself. He remembered a time when he had scandalized the whole lot by spitting in that cup thing where they put the white pieces of whatever. That was fun, he thought. Jesus had probably been crying his eyes out or something then.

4 His eyes. Were they closed? He could’ve sworn they were open. Everything was so bright, after all; blindingly bright, it was – wherever he was. The blatant whiteness reminded him of that old cliché of a light at the end of a – of a tunnel. But of course. The tunnel. That damned tunnel. It was just yesterday, wasn’t it? No lights, no signs, no nothing. How the hell was he supposed to know it narrowed to two lanes halfway through? Viray should have taken his advice and used it for the expansion of the country club. He tried braking and veering to the right, he tried – he really did – but the Chevy simply refused to turn and do where and what he wanted it to. Shit, shit, shit, he had thought, seeing what was once his windshield flying past his head in a million tiny pieces, the front of the car get crushed against the wall like a Coke can, and his PDA fly from his breast pocket and shatter on the floor. He didn’t hear his skull crack as his head pitched forward and hit the steering wheel, because he was just too preoccupied with the screeching of the tires and screaming of metal against glass against cement. And the stinging of burnt rubber. He could never forget that odor permeate the scent of his own blood flowing freely from his nostrils.

5 But where had he gone now? Where was he? Ardman was now pretty sure that his lids were open, so he tried to make something out in the blankness that was seemingly everywhere and everything at once. It was like looking through clear glass that started behind his eyes and went on and on into oblivion. Nothing. Nada. Forever and ever, goddamned Amen. Had he gone blind? His clear blue eyes were too beautiful to be of no use. Was he dead? God forbid. He still wanted to do a lot more with the rest of other people’s pathetic lives.

6 Well, wherever he was, or whatever had happened to him, the smell of sulfur had gone, replaced by the reek of cold cleanliness, if ever cleanliness had a smell. It was antiseptic and disgustingly intoxicating at the same time, like there wasn’t anything alive about the freezing air. It nipped viciously at Ardman’s sense of smell, and he lifted his arm to his –

7 My arm? Where the hell is my arm?!

8 He tried looking down at where he felt the weight of his limbs rest on whatever there was – or was it whatever there wasn’t? – but an arm he could not see. In fact, there wasn’t anything. Only the same empty blankness as everywhere else. He was sure that there was something – he just wasn’t sure if something, somebody was there. But there had to be. Because he was somebody. Oh yes.

9 I graduated BS Management Engineering from the Manila Walter Lawrence University, Class of 1989, also a respected alumni of the Nu Omega Tau brotherhood. I’m the CEO of MT Integrated Systems Development and manager of several Eno-Eni call centers. I’m also Vice President of the Qulan Country Club committee on development, and top player of the only American football team in the Philippines – the Westin All-Stars, Team Elite. And I’m also head honcho adviser to Mayor Viray, goddammit! I should be loved for living! He was somebody, for sure. His résumé-blasting checklist of tough-guy superachievements was the reason why he was known all over the Metro as the “Hard Man Ardman,” the biggest mover and shaker in Mandaluyong.

10 It was hard for him, an athletic jock-type, not being able to budge. He tried. And he tried – he really did. But his body (if ever there was one, he couldn’t see one) stayed as stiff as a board, as stiff as a corpse in a morgue. He tried lifting the weight of what was supposed to be his arm from – was it nothingness? – yet still he could feel no change in position. He screamed in frustration.

11 Aaaaaargh!! I don’t want to be dead!

12 The shout rang out into nothingness and back to his ears – not. Gerardo, his ears as sharp as his mother’s tongue, realized that he had only heard his thoughts bounce back and forth in his skull, and nothing had came out of the orifice that was supposed to boom his rich and deep tenor across the miles of nothing. All he heard was the sound of a low, unbreaking, and heavy hum that might as well have been total silence.

13 beep.

14 His eyes shifted to a fairly silent blip to his left.

15 beep.

16 Gerardo recognized the small sound as one he had heard somewhere on TV or in the movies, and wondered why he hadn’t been hearing it for the past minute or hour or whatever.

17 beep.

18 Of course. He knew he knew that sound – it was like the blipping of those heart monitors that he saw on TV shows. He’d forgotten what they were called, those machines that go *bleeeeeeeeeeeep* and show a flat line when the guy suddenly died, after which the doctors would shock the patient into life again. He found it somewhat funny when the dude they shocked got pushed up by the current.

19 The cold, the beeping and the antiseptic smell would then probably mean he was in a hospital room, on a hospital bed, alive, his vital stats being monitored. He wasn’t dead, then. The question, then, was why everything seemed to be a big blank blanket that wrapped and warped around him and in him, instead of a boring gray and white room. Why he couldn’t lift his limbs or turn his head. Why I can’t open my damned mouth, he said to himself.

20 beep.

21 The low hum of what was probably the air conditioning was broken by the unmistakable sound of a door opening and closing. Ardman could hear the click of the lock as the door was shut tightly and the hum of the AC resumed. Click, clack, click, clack – two pairs of heels against cold tile moved across the unseen room, from one ear to another.

22 “Ano, let’s start?”

23 “Yes, dearie. Patient is Gerardo Manuelito Macario Villamayor. Age 38, male.”

24 What the hell? I’m only 31! What kind of nurses are these two, messing up my age? Ardman began to protest, as the two women continued to rattle off his other stats.

25 “5’10” upon last recorded measurement of height. Looks like he was big, wasn’t he, Ate Marian?”

26 “Hay nako. Man is married to Evansueda Malabanon Villamayor.”

27 “Poor woman. Having to sacrifice so much for a piece of shit.”

28 “She should be a hero - she put up with a worthless, arrogant bastard who thinks his existence is a gift to humans everywhere.”

29 “But I heard she wanted to give up on him before he’d even gotten himself into this mess.”

30 “Well, who can blame her? The whole of Mandaluyong knows just how much of a jerk Villamayor was to generally everyone. I wouldn’t be surprised if at home or in bed he was the machismo asshole he was in public.”

31 “Yeah. ‘Hard Man Ardman.’ Hah. More like ‘Hard-On Moron.’”

32 “I heard he had a drinking problem.”

33 “I heard he had the Mayor’s wife as a mistress.”

34 “I heard he beat his wife.”

35 “I heard he used meth.”

36 Damn them. Talking about me in that way. Bitches. So what if I guzzled a few bottles of beer or had a bit of crystal every now and then? And what is this crap about a mistress?? We just have sex is all. And I only hit Eva because I needed to. Goddammit, they hype these things way too much! Hope they go to hell, they belong in hell, everyone deserves a place down with that red-horned bastard.

37 “Yeah, well, I heard the wife’s coming over later to talk with the doctor.”

38 “Probably to make the final decisions. Five years have passed, after all…”

39 “Anyway, as of today, October 10, 2007, unconscious state has lasted for exactly 6 years, 2 months, and 11 days. Extent of visible physical regression is minimal to moderate due to well-conditioned initial form. Vital signs are fairly stable.”

40 Gerardo’s mind, the only thing left moving, froze in its frantic tracks. He felt a heavy weight press down where his chest was supposed to be, and he choked on his own surprise and anger. Comatose. Comatose. Coma. No wonder everything around him was so… nothing. Blankness and blindness, immobility and inability; he could only hear and smell and think. So he had fallen into the sleep of death for – how long was it again? Six years. More than, even. Damn, damn, damn. What had he missed? What had happened? His businesses? His groups? His country club? His mayor? He had no control, no hold over anything. God, what had happened to his life?! (It had all gone to hell, it all belonged in hell, everything deserved a place down with the devil.)

41 As panicked thoughts ran tired through his head he didn’t notice that the door had opened and clicked closed once more, and a tapping of shoes towards his bed signaled the arrival of another person in the room.

42 “Good afternoon po, Doctor Ramirez.”

43 “Hello Marian. Aida, request the custodians to clean the room. Mrs. Villamayor is coming in a few hours to discuss options.”

44 “Sir, what about the furnishings of the room? The ones she gave last time when she was here.”

45 “It looks horrible. I mean the rooms of Mantabong Med are small, solid, clean, brightly lit and straight-edged. If we add color or design, it’s not going to look decent anymore. Fine, let her have her way. But I mean come on, look at those curtains. Floral? My God. One set only. Oh, and inject the case with morphine to calm the muscles. I need to run a few quick tests before Mrs. Eva gets here.”

46 Ardman heard the clacking of the heels on the floor right next to his life support system and felt the sensation of a small pressure on his arm. The blanketed brightness around him suddenly appeared to settle on him, cover him, choke him and absorb him; and for a minute, a moment, or more he could hear nothing, smell nothing, feel nothing. He remembered his wife had always complained about him not listening, not feeling; it was all nag nag nag until the carabaos came home. Well, he sure showed her that he could feel and make her feel something. And she said that he never listened? Why, her short gasps of surprise and instant squeals were always music to his ears.

47 Damn her. Bitch who never really did what I wanted her to. I had to force her to do the stuff she had to. Who was the one who didn’t listen?

48 Almost as quickly as he had felt choked, he felt his ears prick and warm as the transparency that was everything seemed to expand. A familiar voice then rang in his ear on his right, a sweet but somewhat oily voice that had liquid persuasion blended into it. His wife was discussing with the doctor as the life support system beeped louder this time in the background.

49 “Ah, I’m glad that you used the curtains, Doctor. A little touch of color is needed every now and then. Keeps the room alive, at least.”

50 beep.

51 “Uhm, yes ma’am. Going back…”

52 “Yes, yes, I know. The options. I really don’t think that there’s any chance anymore of anything happening, even with therapy. It’s been drawn out for way too long.”

53 beep.

54 “Ma’am, we do wish to remind you that there is the chance of partial recovery, wherein certain senses and functions return together or one by one – “

55 “Doctor Ramirez, do you know just how long I’ve been waiting? Since I fooled myself into believing that he loved me back in 1997, I’ve been hoping for the moment when he’d actually care about fulfilling a life other than his own, when he’d stop being so selfish.

56 beep.

57 “All those stupid positions and awards and things he boasts about so much? They were worthless to me! All I cared about was trying to change him for the better, to give him respect or let him know what it feels like to love and be loved.

58 beep.

59 “I’ve given up on him already. His life is devoid of any value or point or respect. He is no longer my husband or anything to me.”

60 beep.

61 “So… what now, Evansueda?”

62 “He’ll go to hell. He belongs in hell. He deserves a place down with Satan himself – no, he is Satan himself. I opt to end life support. He didn’t say anything about it anyway. Like he’d say anything about support.”

63 beep.

64 Gerardo heard no more, for he screamed and oathed and cussed against his wife, his mother, the doctor, those two nurses. His “friends” for money, business associates and partners, employees and workers. His mistresses, drug dealers, Mayor Viray. The manangs at the parish, the priests who loved shouting about hell, The bottles of beer and bundles of money; the cars and cellphones and PDAs.

65 He blamed everything on everyone everywhere while he stared out into the zilch, as it teetered and tottered and wrapped about him, entered him, took him, became him. God knows how long or why, but he continued to deny and to deny and to deny that everything was nothing for nothing in nothing because he wouldn’t do something for something. What he had was all shallow and blank and, well, flat.

66 bleeee…

I'm cursed.

2007-07-12T21:26:00.000+08:00

Another computer that I used crashed. With my half-finished short story on it.

[insert every possible expletive here]

The heavens have been good to me...

2007-07-05T20:53:00.000+08:00

...and hell has frozen over.

26/30 on Sir Nat's 1st LT. zomgzomgzomg. And that's highest sa class and second highest sa batch (along with Dondon - hi Dondon! XD).

Yeh, I'm proud. Hahaha. Achievement 'to, demmit. This is where I boast like an arrogant jerk now. *boastboastboast* :p

[kabila]

2007-06-28T19:53:00.000+08:00

Walang pagnanais na magsimula ng pakisama: silang mga nagmamataas sa samahang dapat inaatasang walang iiwang hindi karamdam sa pangangaibigan at panganga-ibigan ng ating kataas-taasang nilalang.

Hindi tayo kumikilos sapagkat kayo'y ayaw gumalaw nang hindi inuutusan, at sa mga nais kumilos, pansin ay di nabibigyan.

Kabaliwan. :|

[tgsh]

2007-06-27T20:10:00.000+08:00

Ouch. That was cold.

Or were you just dc'd?

Or are you really ignoring me?

Or is something up?

:|

Teh vanity of moi

2007-06-27T18:21:00.000+08:00

Awesomely proud of my work in the Creative Writing editorial exam some time ago. The literary part, anyway; I'm ashamed to call myself a proofreader. I shall post here in raw form, for I am an egoistic jerk.

[test item: You are the second to the last in a long bloodline of vampires, and near death from lack of blood. You must write a letter to what will be your last living blood relative.]

To my long-lost, long-lasting, and last *blood* relative, my son,

This society has been harsh on our family. My fight for the rights of our race, as well as the other "monstrous" races that we have co-existed with for so long, has failed. You have witnessed and experienced the brutality towards us, we of a sanguine hunger and sexual desire. Man has scorned us, compared us to Lycans, the children of Salem, and the earthbound dead; we are called "half-men" and inhuman, when in fact man is more inhuman and inhumane!

So I leave a task of deathly importance to you, my son. Go forth and spread our being throughout the world! The foolish mankind believes our race is spread through the spilling of blood, when it is spread through the spilling of our seed! Infect them, my son, both man and woman, and soon, we shall BE mankind! If man refuses to accept us, then he will become us! Let the house of Vlad be etched into the minds, hearts, and bodies of the human race and its history, and let the "monstrosity" that is us prevail!

Your father of and by sex
Vespern
September 12th, 1999

[test item: Include a given set of words in writing a short poem, story, or essay.]
The words that I remember were required are highlighted below. I misspelled tessellation and failed to use restaurant. :|

Forced Into Submission

Dismally, the sad clown stares from the etched black of supposed art, torn
Looking like a disturbed Mona Lisa in twisted art form
Aberration, alliteration, art? Larger than life, gargantuan
Umbrellas undulating for the sake of modernism, a fornication of fate
Stoically, dismally stares down from the portrait
Oodles of poodles in tesselation, mermaids under waves in undulation
Abstraction snipping into the easel's cloth, heated and humid
Poetry like that above is cajoled into poignancy. Stoically, stupid
Rhyme and rhythm and meter and sense. Orange, door hinge.

Yay me! I've been slightly productive for my elective. :| Off to do STR. :E. I shouldn't have sought for the use of non-supplemental soy isoflavones as a targeted low-density lipoprotein reductor. x.X

'Di Mo Akalain

2007-06-25T00:39:00.000+08:00

Pinoy 3 requirement - sanaysay panlarawan. It's never good enough for the teacher, tho. :| Oh, and if you can't read it, don't ask me what it means. Learn your Filipino. :p

***

Tila’y tunay ang sinasabi na may nilalang sa mundo na kung tawagin ay “soulmate.” Maaaring ito’y matalik na kaibigan, malapit na kapatid o kapamilya, o ang taong minamahal ng isang tao. May isang tao na itinuturi kong “soulmate,” sapagkat siya ay lahat ito, at marami pa. Ngunit animo’y totoo rin ang kasabihang “opposites attract,” o ang siyang magkasalungat ang nagsasama. Sapagkat halos walang katangian niya ay katangian ko rin. Sa halos lahat ng panig, kami’y magkaiba, pero para sa akin ay walang ni isang pagkakaibigan na sinlapit o sinlakas sa amin.

Mahirap isipin na ang taong kamukha niya ay pwede maging kaibigan. Siya’y mukhang maangas at balisaksak; matipunong kulang sa tangkad – malapit sa 5’4” lang. Kung aalalahanin ang alamat ng paggawa ni Bathala sa tao, siya ang nailabas na tama lang ang pagkasunog at pantay ang kaitiman, tunay na Pilipino sa kulay ng balat. Malaki at mabuhok ang kanyang braso at binti, at matigas ang kanyang mga magaspang na kamay at makalyong paa – ang mga naidulot ng kanyang pagsasanay sa tinatawag na “karate-do.” Marami sa kanyang mga kakilala ay di minsa’y natakot na sa kanya at hindi siya gugustuhing lapitan, kundi dahil sa kanyang tanyag na kakayahang sumuntok, ay dahil sa mukhang siya mismo ang magsisimula ng kaguluhan.

Hindi rin nakakapagtataka kung bakit, sa iilang pagkakaton, siya’y inaakalang terrorista o takas ng Muntinlupa, sapagkat ang ulo niya’y para sa basag-ulo, na hugis bloke ng konkretong may kakaunting pagkabilog ang korte, at sintigas nito. Ayon sa isa naming kaibigan, “parang ulo ng patatas” daw ito. Tunay nga na mukhang patatas ito, dahil ang kanyang buhok ay nasa istilong “semi-kal” kung tawagin; nais niya kasing hindi naiinitan o nangangati ang kanyang ulo. Salungat naman sa buhok sa itaas, labis naman ang buhok ng kanyang mukha – hindi lamang makapal na bigote ang mayroon siya, pati na rin makapal na balbas na nakakabit sa makapal na patilya na nasa giliran ng kanyang makapal na mukha.

Sumasang-ayon naman ang ibang bahagi ng kanyang mukha sa imahe ng mandirigma. Ang ilong na ilong ng tunay na dugong-Pilipino ay wari’y nakataas ng kaunti, matapang at dakila, at ang labi’y may kaliitan – kilos bago salita ang naipapalabas. Magaspang ang pisngi at hindi makinis ang mukha, ngunit ang kayrami na mga sugat at kung ano pa sa kanyang mukha ay testimonya sa kanyang pamamatigas, at nakakadaragdag lang sa kanyang kasindak-sindak na delantera.

Ngunit ang pinakakapuna-punang makikita ay ang kanyang mga mata, ang tanging mga bintana sa kanyang tunay na pagkatao. Hindi sila malaki ni hindi singkit – tama lang ang laki para sa tingin ng mamamatay-tao, tingin ng palabiro, tingin ng mapagmahal na kaibigan. Ang makamasid sa loob-looban ng kanyang tingin ay makakakita ng damdaming lumalagablab; isang matapang na liwanag na pumupugay sa dilim. Sa kanyang mga mata’y may ilaw na pantago sa lungkot na kaytagal ay naramdaman ngunit ayaw ibuwal. Sa kabilugan ay nakikita ang galit na umaapoy, ang tuwa na bumubusilak, at ang talino na kumikislap. Ang tagal na pakikipagtunggali, pakikipaglaban sa paghihirap, ay namamasid sa itim at kayumanggi ng kanyang mga mata.

Minamahal ko ang aking kaibigan, sapagkat siya ang sigla sa aking pagkalumbay. Siya ang nagpapatawa at nagpapatuwa sa aking mga araw – ang kasiyahan at kislap sa kadiliman ng aking kalungkutan. Siya ang aking pag-asa at dahilan sa buhay, at ang tumutulak sa ‘kin na tumuloy pa. Ang nailalarawan ko lamang sa sanaysay na ito ay pisikal na katangiang wala ring silbi o kwenta, sapagkat ang kanyang tunay na sarili ay hindi sapat na mailalarawan ng lahat ng salita o sanaysay sa mundo – kinakailangan ang kanyang pagmamahal at pangangaibigan ay maranasan upang lubos na maintindihan.

Sapagkat siya si Carlo, ang aking kuya, minamahal, at matalik na kaibigan.

Adrenaline

2007-06-25T00:36:00.000+08:00

It's 12:35 am, 25 June 2007, and I've been doing req's since 9 am, 24 June 2007.

And I've never felt this happy, completing stuff I need to do, until now.

Wooshoo. :D

[yeh]

2007-06-23T14:33:00.000+08:00

It's nice to know I can be happy for about two hours by myself, and all that is part of me.

Yeh mehn. I'm so fucking busy. But I feel like I can do everything. :D

Except maybe purge my computer of that gawdamned virus. >:E

But maybe if I ignore it it'll go away. :| Woot.

But I'm still happy. :D Yeh.

[boink]

2007-06-21T17:54:00.000+08:00

I feel so disgusted with me. Hurry, somebody warn me that I'm being a shallow jerk who uses people again before I stop realizing it myself!

I just wish sometimes I could be happily ignorant of everyone judging and talking behind everyone's back instead of being there watching it all happen.

This is probably why I don't like people very much.

And yeah, you're right, I don't like people who seem to not like me. Yung mga taong hindi nag-hhi sa corridors or yung mga kilala mo at kilala ka pero ayaw niyo kilalanin na nandyan yung isa. Yeah. That's why parang andaming nag-iisip na medyo weird ako. Coz I say "Hi" a lot. And, and, parang gusto ko laging makisama sa kung saan man, kahit hindi talaga ako dapat nandoon.

Yeah. Diba?

***

Everything's gonna bend and break. Suuuuure, they don't hate you now, but sooner or later you'll end up as a megalomaniac-type jerk who tries to control everyone. It's the same every damned year. Ramayana, here we come. :|

***

...

***

Why does the world have to stand on its head when I'm standing straight?

Nakakapagpabagabag.

2007-06-20T17:56:00.000+08:00

Awesome. Blogger in Filipino. Tangkilikin ang sariling wika!

the only thing i really find so fucked up about blogger

2007-06-18T20:01:00.000+08:00

is that you really can't hide stuff like on LJ. yeh.

***

it's much easier to "blog" when all you do is write what's in your head, although by some supposed "definitions" that's hardly blogging. damn them all. ang ayaw ko lang naman is "todayyyy i had a score of 25/30 sa aming long teeeeest. my gahd. it's so hirap naman."

***

it's hard to erase biases against a teacher. especially if the teacher in question isn't careful about what he says. mehn, even as an expression that's so fucking disgusting, honestly. and it doesn't help that he's so fucking irritating that he has to ramble on and on and on and on and on about the most pointless shit when all you want to do is jump into the godforsaken pool where you can't hear him.

i build a wall of ignorance around my swimming cap-covered little head. :|

***

advertising once more: wanted: Arnold Arre's "After Eden." name your price. i can't believe i gave my copy to someone i *thought* i loved. demmit. is it wrong to ask for a gift back, when the gift is one that the person didn't really care for? :|

Lend me your short attention spans

2007-06-14T21:43:00.000+08:00

I demand emails and blog comments and tags.

What does that make me?

A fucking attention whore.

Yeh mehn.

[tgsh]

2007-06-14T17:51:00.000+08:00

Did you really do that on purpose and stuff?

Coz it hurt. Not as in hurt hurt, but just a bit of hurt. The kind you get when you bump against a caf table or trip over a bag and fall.

Yeah. I mean, was it intentional, to spite me because you still don't like me, or was it purely coincidental that I was the only dude left, and you got them because you still talk to them? Iunno.

Sinabihan pa nga 'ko by this other dude if I wanted to be there too, but I said no. Sabi pa ni other dude na kawawa ako. Pero sabi ko wag na. Because I didn't want to appear affected; that'd be giving you what you wanted (if it was intentional and shit). So I just went on with what I was doing and stuff, but I had to leave so I left.

I remember you did the same thing once with a bunch of other people, where you did something somewhere and I didn't know at all. It isn't the same as when I want to go somewhere with another group of other people, because I really don't belong with them (I've kinda sorta probably accepted that), but to single out someone like that is just fucked up. I'm sorry.

Oh, and it didn't help that you made a bad day a little bit worse. I wanna cry now.

Thank God you don't read this because you ignore me so much. :|

---

My heart is shallow, 6 feet under.

Flow.

2007-06-12T17:58:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna be more shallow than I usually am, coz I kinda found out that I sound stupid when I hold back. Yung tipong pilit na parang gagamit ka ng certain words in a fuck damned poem for the sake of it.

Why can't I just make myself shut up?

At one point or another while I'm smiling or laughing or shouting or enjoying myself someone will judge me to be stupid or air-headed or unapproachable or fucked up. Especially when I talk in sexual themes. My favorite. :| It's just that I feel so at home with sex because it's something to laugh at and be serious with, to love and hate and fear and abhor and get addicted to. There, now all of you know why I'm so fucking "sexually promiscuous."

Tipong pag kasama ko yung "'kada", to quote, I feel all tipsy and my tongue is all loosened and stuff, because I can talk and open up. But occasionally I slip up and say something stupid and then they all shut up and I feel like I should have never opened my stupid mouth in the first place.

And then at one point or another, especially kay RC, I fear that I'm gonna end up doing what people have been saying I've been doing these past two years - using people. Coz I don't know how to give back and stuff and ask properly and return favors, even though I really want to. I don't know how to give back and how to act towards people. So I try to make it a point to say "po" to almost everybody now because I don't want to stand out as the arrogant and selfish bastard I really am.

On the other hand, the teachers think I'm the "mabait na monitor," according to Ma'am Bawagan. They're fooled into believing I'm the meek and decent dude, when in fact it's all a class-A suck-up act. How else do you get a place in the hearts of teachers? Wag mambola, they say? Fuck them. Everybody knows that the only way to get good grades when you suck at the subject (and believe me, I suck in a lot of them - kokontra tatamaan ng kidlat) is to use sugar. A LOT of sugar. Hindi yung tipong KSP na walang hiyang kakaibiganin yung teacher. Yung tipong

"Yes po, ma'am *smile*"
"Opo, ma'am"
"Hindi po, sir *smile*"
"Ako na lang po, sir"

Because it really *is* the only way to plant yourself in their hearts and minds as something and someone, especially in Pisay, when nobody will motherfucking recognize what you are and who you are and everything you've tried to do if you don't do it exceptionally well. They won't let you be anything, do anything, or have anything. I really do the things RC is doing right now, but I can't coz I don't have her exceptional talents or her smarts or the desire to go places. I instead wanna be with my friends and live a static life as someone who's just here and living life as easy as possible. But I know na after that I'll have nothing, considering I have *very* few friends who'll stick by me and will be there. My mom is pushing me to go places, and I really want to, too - I just don't know when where and how and why. I need a push in the right direction, and I need it now. :|

Parang it's just so sad that I flowed like this only now. :| Damn me.

---

I want the light to go out already. But I can't turn it off myself. And it doesn't help that my roommate is trying to make things brighter. :|

Nursery Rhyme fuck-up

2007-06-02T21:46:00.000+08:00

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece as white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go

He followed her to school one day
And saw the children laugh and play.
He saw little Mary play with Georgie Porgie
Which was against the rules.

Coz Georgie Porgie did more than kiss
To make crying girls and daughters
So like Jack and Jill, they went up the hill
Only they weren't fetching water

Mary wasn't careful
Georgie had her have
A rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop
Sans mockingbird-buying Dad

Juniority

2007-05-28T20:19:00.000+08:00

I have a feeling the past two years are going to catch up to me.

This is probably gonna be my most fucking frustrating year ever.

But I won't jinx this year by wishing for a class that won't hate me, or for me to end up with a decent STR group, or for a good elective.

Oh fuck.

Shower Curtain

2007-05-25T22:09:00.000+08:00

Not really a story, not an essay either. Who gives a shit. You wouldn't read it anyway.

Wish it was raining now so I wouldn't feel so shitty.

---

It was a dark and stormy night.

And I loved it.

I’d always treasured evenings like that one. The rumbling thunder and gray night skies; the heavy but quiet “shhh” of the falling rain on our roof; the occasional rumble of thunder and flash of lightning. As long as the lights stayed on, I was at peace with the storms that swept past our house.

In my locked room, lying on my bed, the curtains of rain that fell outside my window curled around me, blocking out all the noise and screaming and nagging that came from the rest of the house. I could forget being called worthless, or that slap wouldn’t hurt so much; I was deaf to their words, blind to their piercing and accusing stares. I was in my own little world, far away from all the shit that the real world threw at me. I’d do almost anything in silent bliss. I’d read without interruption; I’d write endlessly with a free-flowing pen. I’d make my ears pound with intense rock or soothe them with mellow jazz. I’d pluck strings on my guitar and not get frustrated. I’d do my homework happily; I’d study. And more often than not, I’d pleasure myself, and my head would pound with the beating of the heavy drops on the roof.

And if I felt like it, I’d bring someone, anyone, into my world. I’d bring up whomever I felt I wanted with me at that very moment. I’d imagine someone lying there with me; talking to me, helping me, understanding me; joking with me, laughing with me, crying with me; hugging me, holding me; touching me, kissing me. I could feel the feeling of being loved that so often was buried under hurt.

But often, during the countless times that I’d feel worthless or pointless, I’d call upon the worst of what I felt and let it swell with the rain. I’d hit myself; I’d hurt myself; I’d rape myself. I’d stab myself with swords, those swords in the form of words; I’d repeat the shit others said about me and make myself believe it was all true. And then the tears would fall with the rain, water with water.

I’d curl up with my hand over my face, sometimes bundled up, other times in the nude, hoping that the rain would never stop falling. Never stop falling for me.

But of course, it never did never stop.

I'm back

2007-05-25T21:52:00.000+08:00

Tch. Like anyone missed me.

Sarap pala magpa-defunct.

2007-05-14T19:38:00.000+08:00

Haha. Talaga lang. I'll post soon. Probably.

sdrawkcab em evol

2007-04-13T21:07:00.000+08:00

This is awesome. I'm just about to finish KH1 and halfway through KH:COM. And I've always been excited for KH2. Look at this. Credits to xxjulie76xx and all the commenters.

It's the English theme song... only backwards. Holy crap. And to those who know, understand, and psychoanalyze the games, the lyrics backwards are freaky. It's like Riku's point of view of their experience. Take note of how the lyrics jive with what's being shown in the vid (like at "I will not destroy them", Sora reforms the Heartless instead of destroying them - and KH fans know that in the second game he can't destroy the Heartless, because he'd be creating Nobodies; how Namine - the blond girl - seems to say "And now you shall sleep" and Sora goes back into his little bubble).

I need more affection than you know
Yeah, I was him
So, and now, turn it down
Why?
He was Ansem, he was Ansem
I need more affection than you know
Wasn't it easy?
Yeah, I was him
We all three grew
I hear I was Ansem, I hear I was Ansem
I need more affection than you know
And now you shall sleep
Yeah, it was real, and I never knew it
(close it)
Yeah, I was alseep, and now
In terrible sleep, he finally listens
I hate emotion
I need true emotions
I need more affection than you know
I need true emotions
I will not destroy them
So many ups and downs
He was Ansem, he was Ansem
I need more affection than you know
Wasn't it easy?
Yeah, I was him
We all three grew
I hear I was Ansem, I hear I was Ansem
I need more affection than you know
And now you shall sleep
Yeah, it was real, and I never knew it
(closing hurry)
Even we still laugh, we shall be back
He was Ansem, he was Ansem
I need more affection than you know
Yeah, and I was him
We all three grew
I hear I was Ansem, I hear I was Ansem
I need more affection than you know
Yeah, it was real, and I never knew it
I need more affection than you know

Subliminal messages are just so... freakishly awesome.

ohmaygawd. :o

2007-04-10T16:08:00.000+08:00

hey people. lost my phone. grarr fuck that tricycle driver thief. please *email* me your cell#s at gkd5unomgy@gmail.com. yeah, kayong mga kakilala ko lang talaga in real life. thanks much. i'll text you when i finally have a number and a cellphone. oh, donations to helping me buy a cheapo phone are greatly appreciated and wanted. heheh. life-changing experience 'to, grabe. :]

Cool.

2007-04-03T21:47:00.000+08:00

Took it from Sir Martz's blog (which I think looked better as Inevitable Karma). This numerology thing is eerily correct in most ways, totally fucking wrong in some. Or maybe it's just from my POV that some things are wrong.

You entered: Gian Karlo Rosales Dapul

There are 21 letters in your name.
Those 21 letters total to 87
There are 9 vowels and 12 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:
Italian - Male: Italian form of John 'God is gracious' Abbreviation of John often used in combination with other names. Gianni is equivalent to Johnny.
Hebrew - Male: Gift from God.

Your number is: 6

The characteristics of #6 are: Responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, sympathy.

The expression or destiny for #6:
The number 6 Expression provides you a truly outstanding sense of responsibility, love, and balance. The 6 is helpful and ever conscientious, making you quite capable of rectifying and balancing any sort of inharmonious situation. You are a person very much inclined to give help and comfort to those in need. You have a natural penchant for working with the old, the young, the sick, or the underprivileged. Although you may have considerable creative and artistic talents, the chances are that you will devote yourself to an occupation that shows concern for the betterment of the community.

The positive side of the number 6 suggests that you are very loving, friendly, and appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much sympathetic, kindness, and generosity. The qualities of the 6 make the finest and most concerned parent and one often deeply involved in domestic activities. Openness and honesty is apparent in your approach to all relationships.

If there is an excess of the number 6 in your makeup, you may exhibit some of the negative traits associated with this number. There may be a tendency for you to be too exacting and demanding of yourself. In this regard, you may at times sacrifice yourself (or your loved ones) for the welfare of others. In some cases, the over zealous 6 has difficulty distinguishing helping from interfering. You may have difficulty expressing your own individuality, because of involvement with responsibilities and causes. Like all with the Expression of the number 6, it's quite likely that you worry much too much.

Your Soul Urge number is: 6

A Soul Urge number of 6 means:
With a number 6 Soul Urge, you would like to be appreciated for your ability to handle responsibility. Your home and family are likely to be a strong focus for you, perhaps the strongest focus of your life. Friendship, love, and affection are high on your list of priorities for a happy life. You have a lot of diplomatic tendencies in your makeup, as you a able to rectify and balance situations with an innate skill. You like working with people rather than by yourself. It is extremely important for you to have harmony in your environment at all times.

The positive side of the 6 Soul Urge produces a huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load. If you possess positive 6 Soul Urges and express them, you are known for your generosity, understanding and deep sympathetic attitude. Strong 6 energy is very giving of love, affection, and emotional support. You may have the inclination to teach or serve your community in other idealistic ways. You have natural abilities to help people. You are also likely to have artistic and creative leanings.

If you have an over-supply of 6 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative traits common to this number. With such a strong sympathetic attitude, it is easy to become too emotional. Sometimes the desires to render help can be over done, and it can become interfering and an attitude that is too protective, rather than helpful. The person with too much 6 energy often finds that people tend to take advantage of this very giving spirit. You may tend to repress your own needs so that you can cater to the demands from others. At times, there may be a tendency in this, for becoming over-loaded with such demands, and as a result become resentful.

Your Inner Dream number is: 9

An Inner Dream number of 9 means:
You dream of being creative, intellectual, and universal; the selfless humanitarian. You understand the needy and what to help them. You would love to be a person people count on for support and advice.

I wish I was a teenage mutant ninja.

2007-03-30T20:18:00.000+08:00

Got my card kanina. And... T.T It's worse than I expected, but I wasn't as disappointed. Why? Dunno. Maybe because I was just relieved to stay on the DL list (that's the Director's List/honor roll). Won't bother posting my grades anymore, but I went down. And I got my first and only 2.0 for the year - Algebra. Again. I swear, I hate that subject after I learn to love it. Bio didn't go up either - sad.

And it's kinda... unfair. I mean, I'm not doing exceedingly well, while other people are. That wouldn't be a problem if these people were total nerds, but they have lives. On the other hand, me - exceedingly good at being mediocre - I don't live a normal life, and yet I can't be the best at pretty much anything. I'm envious and annoyed at the people who seem to have gotten the upper hand on life. Popularity, power, genius, money, attractiveness, not to mention stable relationships with their families and other people... I'm sorry, but fuck them. Fuck you - you know who you are.

[Oh, and if anyone wants to fight over whether I have the above or not, comment. I'll be glad to bitch at you and prove that other people are on the better receiving ends than me.]

***

On a lighter note, went to SM with Bea and Julius a while ago. Bigla na lang nag-aya si Bea. And I agreed. :D We were going to watch TMNT - yeah, the Ninja Turtles. And I kinda found out that day na last na pala ni Julius dito... wow. So I went with the two of them (without permission, of course :P) We ate muna at Burger King - I'd forgotten it was a Friday -.- then we got to the theater.

The movie is awesome. For once, I understood a comic book movie(?) and appreciated it. It wasn't deep, it had no "finding myself" kind of moral, the whole thing was explained all throughout. :D Oh, and it helped that the animation was purely computer imagery and didn't need special effects or actors. Just voice actors. Oh, speaking of which, Zhang Ziyi voiced Karai (head of the Foot and loyal dog to Shredder). Cool. :D

Here's the Wiki article, with spoilers. :P

The concept of "cosmic power" is extremely off. It did kinda work in the movie, however. I liked more the movie's focus on Leonardo and Raphael and their constant brother feud. The scenes in the rain were awesome, especially with the drama in their struggle to be better than each other. Flow was kinda rough, though it presented itself okay. It should have given more attention to the band of turtles themselves.

Turtles with weapons are awesome. Oh, and I want an army of Foot ninjas at the command of my finger. *whoosh*

Masaya...

2007-03-28T13:41:00.000+08:00

...ang makinig sa Good Times With Mo pag Strip Tuesday at alam ng halos lahat ng nasa kotse ang mga ibig-sabihin nung mga strip acronyms, at yung isa iniisip si Maui Taylor na sobrang natatalo sa laro.

...ang mag-picturan lang sa lupa. :D

...ang pumasok sa locker room na may "wet entrance." :P

...ang kumain ng french fries, ng patatas, ng french fries, ng pizza, ng french fries, at magkaroon ng limang baso ng inumin na ang kulay ay nasa iba't-ibang bahagi ng visible light spectrum.

...ang mag-shooting ng love scene sa pagitan ng dalawang nakahiga lang sa mga pool chair.

...ang mag-swimming sa hindi masyadong malalim na tubig na hindi masyadong malamig at hindi rin masyadong mainit, pero may tendency sa warmth, kaya paglabas mo ng pool ay nanginginig ka sa lamig habang nag-aaya ng isa pang kaibigan na magswimming.

...ang mag-ingay sa sobrang sosyal na Palms' Country Club at mangistorbo ng ibang tao. :P

...ang maligo sa shower na may bath soap, shampoo, at conditioner dispensers, tapos gumamit ng swim suit water extractor na parang sasabog 'pag ginamit pa.

...ang humiga lang habang yung iba patalon-talon. >:D

...ang yakapan na recorded na sobrang nakakaiyak tapos biglang may mauuntog. XD

...ang mapag-usapan ang mga kaibigan, minamahal, at ang posibilidad - ang katunayan - ng isang "multiverse."

...ang walang iwanan. :)

Going...going...

2007-03-25T21:06:00.000+08:00

Gone. For 2 months.

He'll be returning last week of May.

Ingat, dude. Please. For our sakes. Love ya, stay safe. Comment ka sa post na 'to when you get to Sacramento. 15 hour difference, damn it. Pero at least behind us. So 'pag 10 pm doon 1 pm dito. :D Yay.

~~~

Wanted: Textmate. Must be a Globe user, friendly, kilala ko na dapat. Needed during hours of idleness (commonly 6-8 am, 12-5 pm, 8-11.59 pm, 12 - ? am) or in times of needed comfort. Must be able to handle some external emotional baggage. Contact: 09063079100 :D Kidding. Text me crazy, people. Kahit hanggang first week of June lang. Or else I'll go hunting for you. Beware, people with Globe SIMs. >:D

Itaga mo sa bato

2007-03-25T11:50:00.000+08:00

Just came home from mass. :D The priest gave this really cool homily. I won't go all Catholic preacher; I just need to share the story he gave.

There were two best friends walking in the desert. The two friends began arguing about something, and one of the friends slapped the other in the face.

The one who was slapped was hurt. He then bent down and wrote in the sand:

"Today, my best friend slapped me in the face."

And they moved on.

They stumbled across a large oasis with a big pool of water in the middle. The two decided to go swimming, so they shed their clothes and jumped in.

Suddenly, one of the two - the one who was slapped - started crying for help. He was drowning in the deep end of the pool! So his friend swam over to him and saved him.

When they got out of the water, the one who was just saved took a small, sharp rock and carved into a bigger rock:

"Today, my best friend saved my life."

The other friend said, "I don't get it. I hurt you while we were walking and you wrote it in the ground. Now I saved you and you carve it onto a rock. Why?"

The one who finished carving looked up, smiled, and said, "When you hurt me, I wrote in the sand so that the winds of forgiveness would blow it away. When you saved me, I wrote in the rock so that it would be etched in the stone of my heart for the rest of my life."

It's kinda sad how a lot of us (including me) do the opposite... We easily forget the good others do, but we hold in our hearts grudges against their mistakes and wrongdoings.

The priest also said something that made me kinda cry inside. I haven't confessed in a while, and a lot of the crap I'm doing is piling up. He said:

Sins are not born from our weaknesses. They are from our strength - the strength to deny and to forget what it is like to forgive.

Something to think about.

Black and white

2007-03-23T17:25:00.000+08:00

"We basically live the same lives, dude
I look at it with the right eye
You look at it with your left."

Yeah. We basically live the same lives - same parents, same pressure, same shit. Almost exactly the same things.

He just looks at everything the way I can never look at things: in a positive way.

We're almost total opposites of each other - brains, skills, bodies, wants, likes, needs.

The concept is this.

He's content.
I want more.

He's happy.
I'm miserable.

He's giving.
I'm selfish.

I'm not exaggerating. This dude is my yang. My white side.

My best friend.

My true brother.

2 months, dude. 2 months.

Kakayanin dapat.

Uninspired, writing what I feel - I sense a disturbance in the Force

2007-03-21T19:16:00.000+08:00

Explored my "blogo-sphere of influence" [lol] out of ennui (look it up), and I've noticed some things... go psychoanalytical me!

1. Too many people are trying too hard imitating other people. There are quite a few people ('course I won't mention them) who, judging from what they write and how they write, are taking pages from all the books around them. Got nothing wrong with it (as I'm waaay guilty of this), but I wish blogs had more originality. Like this one. Or this one. Or this one.

2. -ness. It was okay at first, but now people are affixing it to every word. Blogness. Coolness. Sobness. Yayness. Ergh. It's the beginnings of a new dialect: the Konyo Lingo. Speaking of the Spanish word of a female's nether parts, look at UrbanDictionary and the word's definitions. I squirted milk out of my nose at these. (Yes, I drink milk - milk is good milk is good milk is good)

Here's one with a grudge, but he/she presents the all-around stereotype. He/she forgot a few schools though. >:D

konyo
by kei_blue:

...often referring to Filipinos of Spanish blood, most especially those who study in La Salle or Ateneo or Poveda, who talk in a braggy type of English.

Used in a sentence...

Konyo people usually hang around Makati. [wooow.]

And here we have the more socially acceptable retort - notice how he/she didn't defend La Salle or Poveda. -.- Goes to show that even they typecast - and the dude has enough nerve to retort.

konyo
by atenista:

the bane of philippine society

airheaded nouveau riche kids... they mix the two languages and think that "make + tagalog verb" (eg. make kulit, make kain, make away, etc.) is an actual grammatical form...

they love to brag about new gadgets and think that anyone who doesn't have a camera-phone must be really pathetic.

it's ignorant, baseless, and hurtful to brand ateneans collectively konyo... [and it's perfectly okay to brand those other schools. :D] they can't help it if most of them (but not all) speak good english and you don't. [true, but it doesn't help that some to most still act the part; considering the definition you just gave above. >:)]

Heehee. Yeah, I know I'm coño to some degree, too, it's just that the -ness thing just irritated me at some point. Limit your use, durn it.

3. and... a serious part. Something from Leira Soul, which made me kinda think a lot. She goes,

"I've long accepted the fact that it isn't always that the people around me will still be there for me a year or ten later. Even though I wished so long and hard for the people I'm close to to never grow distant, it hasn't happened yet. All I can do is move on, try to find another friend. There isn't anything else I can do really. At least, that's how I thought until just a few days ago."

Beautiful... and kinda sad, for me. I don't really want to lose the friends I have now, and I can't really accept this fact Kelsy has accepted - that people won't always be there for you. I wish life was a Friends sitcom.

~~~

c9h5v7d,8hb o3zf3l

Paging all Camia '09... hi. :D wala lang.

2007-03-20T22:19:00.000+08:00

so awesome. made for LJ, essentially, that's why it's so tiny, but still awesome nonetheless. kudos to mae nga pala for the camia ambigram.

i less than 3 camia '09.

sorry na.

2007-03-18T13:02:00.000+08:00

di na mauulit. ever again. ang pangit ng naging pag-uusap natin. so promise ko na ngayon. di na mauulit ever again. mali rin naman na nangyayari 'to. mali na nagkakaganito. mali na nabubuhay ako ng ganito. hindi na kita idadamay kahit kelan. you can kick me na out of your life. siguro, kung maging makulit ako, babalik ako. wag mo na rin akong pansinin. sobrang abala lang ako sa saya ng buhay mo.

sorry na.

I only actually...

2007-03-16T13:10:00.000+08:00

...have a PR of 2. T.T I thought it was higher some time ago because Google was updating. I think they might be updating again now, 'coz I see a zero on mine.

Quite a few Pisay bloggers have PRs of 2. Wala lang.

I'm still trying to figure out that damn PageRank/Google algorithm. Maybe when I learn summation and limits already. And crap like that.

I'm bored. But I have yet to do our ValEd vid. Damn.

I want the school year to never end but I want the summer to keep on going. Labo ba?

--

c9h[5 t9l 0.3zx3l

Bespren

2007-03-16T09:20:00.000+08:00

A story. Comment on what you think.

A remix of that horrible Paris Hilton song from 2006 - I think it was "Stars Are Blind" - played in the background while I remained seated on that small monobloc stool, a half-empty glass of iced tea set in front of me. He, on the other hand, was chugging his way through God-knows how many cans of beer across the table. I never liked the stuff. It just tasted horrible. He didn't like the stuff either. But after what happened to the two of them, nothing could be more bitter, I guess.

I stared at his devastated, partially bloodshot eyes. They were... sad. He'd never been this sad before - that I could see it in his eyes. He always hid whatever little melancholy he felt; he was the omni-optimist, and me the eternal emo kid. He was always smiling while I always stared off into space like some autistic kid. Usually I was the one crying shit out in his face, while he just held me against a wall so I wouldn't hurt myself. Sometimes he'd hold me against himself and I'd just go limp. I'd just cry.

He wasn't crying. I never saw him cry. He'd never let me see him cry - except the time that he cried in relief because her pregnancy tests came out negative. The protection had broken, he told me. He took it too far, he told me. It was horrible, he told me. Horrible the way they panicked afterwards. Horrible that she blamed him. Horrible, that even when the tests came out negative, she left him. Horrible, that after two years, it was finished.

He finished his 6th? 7th? can and crushed it against the table surface with his bare hand. I was always scared of those hands. They could shatter your skull, break your legs, and then afterwards give your bleeding body a damn good hug. He kicked ass - literally. And I was always fucking jealous of him because I was never any good at anything physical. Except maybe running. And he... he always pwned me at those kinds of things. Whenever I tried to struggle against him, he'd just laugh and give me a headlock. Or he'd lock my arms so I couldn't go anywhere.

"Wanna go somewhere?" He wasn't drunk yet. He had a really high alcohol tolerance. Countless years of drinking probably gave him that. He had probably inherited his dad's drinking problems, but he always knew when to stop. He knew very well I didn't have my license yet, and I couldn't just carry him into the nearest taxi. He was way too heavy, and I was just too much of a wimp. Yeah, he drunk and drove, but we never got into any accidents. And we haven't gotten caught - except that one time where I bribed the fuck ugly policeman who flagged us down for "having too bright headlights" and then (by chance) smelled the alcohol breath.

I shrugged at his suggestion. He called the scantily-clad waitress to the table and asked for the bill. For my iced tea and... that beer. Why people drink and serve that disgusting stuff in amber-colored bottles and aluminum cans, I have no idea. Maybe because it was so cheap. P15 at this place. Before he could bring out his wallet I took out a P200 bill and handed it to the girl in a G-string and a bra three sizes too small. "Keep the change," I said. She thanked me profusely by kissing me on the cheek with her partially bloated lips, then she turned to him and groped him a bit. She must have really needed the tip.

"Dude, I'm sorry for bringing you here..." he groaned, after the ho had returned to her lap-dancing duties at another table. I told him it was okay, that it was my job to make sure he didn't kill himself driving. Well, it was. It was my job to make sure he'd always be there for me. Selfish, yeah. But still.

He stood up and I followed suit, skirting past the skirts and tables of countless "hospitality girls" fluttering around smoke-filled tables of numerous drunk assholes and perverts. This was why I preferred the bars around Manila - the perverts there had more class. We got to the door and pushed out into the cool night sky.

We walked slowly, and he began ranting about the quality of alcohol in the Philippines. Maybe he was drunk, after all. Despite his being able to walk straight, he was wobbling when we walked. But... I kinda knew he wasn't drunk. I could tell. He was weak on his feet because... he was just weak. The break-up really hurt him, I guess. I put his left arm across my shoulders and continued walking, while he continued to lament about the lack of good gin nowadays. He was still heavy, but I didn't complain. He didn't complain. We both knew he needed help just to get to the corner where we were parked. Then he could sleep a bit - we weren't missed at the condo.

He suddenly misstepped and we staggered a few inches before I brought him up again with my other arm. I was completely carrying him now, his movement dependent on mine. He'd stopped ranting and was now just staring blankly at the dirty concrete. I'd never seen him this vulnerable, this apathetic...

This pathetic.

I guess this was how he'd been seeing me for five years now. At some point in time we had switched roles momentarily, and I was now the one helping him up. He wasn't really bringing me down, but the burden... The burden for him must have been unbearable. And now I knew, somewhat, what it was like. He shared my problems, he cared for me; he kept me from dropping to the ground. I was probably drunk - drunk on my self-pity, drunk on my hate, drunk on my stupidity. I always pushed him to do some really fucked-up things, and he consented. I hated myself that he'd let me do anything so easily. I did some pretty stupid shit on my own, like getting into heroin for a while. He was the one who put me on rehab and threw away all of my stashes. I think he even beat up my supplier or something.

Yeah, he put up with me and my crap for quite a long time. I don't know how he did it. But whatever happened, he still stayed my best friend. And he loved me like a brother. The only dude who ever really did.

We got to the car, and I groped around in his pocket for the keys. I blipped it open (blip, blip) and laid him down across the back seat. He really was drunk, and he was moaning in what seemed to be pain as he stretched across the beat-up upholstery on his rear seats. I closed the door and got into the other side, sitting down and putting his head on my lap. He used to do this to me all the time till he had that kolehiyala girlfriend from Ateneo. I looked down and I saw... I saw him looking up at me.

His eyes were glistening. His permanent smile was breaking. One of his hands went up to his face and partially obscured it, but I could see a small trickle going down his face as he quietly sobbed.

He was crying. And I felt horrible.

'Coz I suddenly smiled.

10 ways parents lose respect [Profanity post]

2007-03-13T19:12:00.000+08:00

"Honor thy father and thy mother." The fourth commandment should and shall be followed. But then again, that's assuming that our fathers and mothers honor and respect us. This post is in response to one of my friend's extremely unreasonable, unloving, and hateful parents (at least from my point of view and the point of view of everyone outside their family). And it kinda brings back my own bad memories of my parents. These are the top 10 things parents (in general) say, do, or think towards my generation that make me want to wish I died sometime in the first few days rather than me having lived on for 15 years.

10. "When I was your age, we didn't have... I didn't do... I used to..."
This is the sort of thing all parents say - and it's one of the more stupid things that they all say. Can't they realize that times have CHANGED (for either better or worse) ever since they were our age? We don't live on a farm with 11 other siblings; we never experienced having to walk 3 miles to school every day; we were never under Marcos's martial law; we don't listen to vinyl records; we never had to work for a living at the age of 10! Some people may see this as us under-appreciating what they did and what they've gone through, but can't they see that without us living in the exact same circumstances as they did before, we can never understand or live the way they did? They can't blame us for being dependent on our computers and cellphones and the Internet, or for texting or chatting online, or for being glued to TVs and computer screens. They can't tell us that we're too young to be going out with our friends at least twice a month, or that we don't dress modestly or properly. Times change and generations change.

9. "My son/daughter is better than my sister's/brother's/neighbor's son/daughter!"
Stage parents should be tied up in performance wear, mouths stuffed with deflated basketballs and crumpled up report cards, and shoved down a big hole with their "I think I'm the PTA head and my child should get more privileges" mentalities. It's embarrassing enough that these kind of parents flaunt their children like sports trophies or beauty pageant crowns, but they have to bash other parents' children as well.
"Oh, your son can't play sports, BWAHAHAHAH"
"Oh, your daughter's skin isn't as flawless as my daughter's, MUFUFUFUFU."
And, what's worse, these parents think that they have very right to invade and meddle in the private and social lives of their teens.
"OMG, my son isn't going to win his class elections - I should discredit that other boy!"
"OMG, my daughter doesn't have a date to the prom! I should shout and bitch at that other girl so may daughter can have her date!"
Stage moms and soccer dads - a new breed of idiots.

8. "You're too old!"
Too old to drop a plate, to watch TV a lot, to not act our age, to spill a glass of water. Too mature to cry, to whine about problems, to ask for help with the little things, to run to our parents when we're scared. Too grown up to ask for toys, to run around, to be afraid of the dark, to make mistakes. Too far into our years to ask for ice cream, to sleep in bed when we feel bad, to cry when we're sad. According to them, we're too old to have a childhood, and too old to be human. And this is especially irksome with...

7. "You're too young!"
Paired with the previous, this statement makes you feel like you're not actually allowed to live a life. Too young to stay up until 12, too young to go out with your friends, too young to commute. Too young to have a phone, too young to have an MP3 player, too young to have a computer. Too young to care about what we wear, too young to have Starbucks drinks, too young to chat or network online. Too young to sleep over at someone's house, too young to blog, too young to go to concerts. Too young to fall in love, too young to date, too young to try the waters. Too young to deal with violence and sex, too young to talk about politics, too young to read books like "The Da Vinci Code." Too young to know of people's affairs. Too young to have an opinion, too young to actually matter - no one over the age of 18 takes you seriously when you're below 18. No one. We're not even allowed to speak our minds in mature discussions.

6. "This isn't good enough for us."
Most teens (especially in Pisay) feel that all their parents want is for them to be the best. There's nothing wrong with this in itself. But when parents never take one's best as good enough, this is going too far. For some parents, we're supposed to be perfectly engineered products of their sperm and egg - the best of the best. A 1.0 wouldn't be good enough for them if there was a 0.5 grade. These are parents with big problems, grudges, and regrets with themselves; these are variations of stage parents. They live through their kids. When they themselves couldn't be #1, they expect genetics to work out the kinks. "Till my good is better, and my better ~~best~~ betterer." Are we humans or robots??

5. "Family should ALWAYS be first - your friends won't always be there for you."
Few parents seem to understand that their children have lives outside of their houses. They can't seem to accept the fact that growing and maturing individuals meet different people and have relationships, whether healthy or not, with those people. What's more, some parents actually try to keep their children from having friends. These sorts of parents believe that people outside the family will just tear their teen away from them. They are paranoid, misguided, and people unfit to become parents - they won't let their teens go in the world. It's actually the other way around - friends will be the ones who will always be there, even when family has thrown you down and pushed you into the dirt.

4. "We can't trust you because..."
Because you messed up once some long time ago. Because you're not an adult yet. Because I think you shouldn't be trusted. Because you're a teenager. Because you have low grades. Because you haven't proven your worth. Because... because you're you. Trust should be given sparingly, but trustingly and lovingly.

3. "Don't give me that crap."
Few adults respect the opinions, words, and thoughts of the younger generations. You actually have to be twenty-something and employed to be taken seriously in this world. Of course our minds are young and developing - but it doesn't f*cking mean that everything we say and do is CRAP. FEW PARENTS - AND ADULTS IN GENERAL - LISTEN TO TEENS JUST BECAUSE THEY F*CKING THINK THAT THEY'RE SO MUCH SMARTER AND BETTER. They have this mentality that EVERYTHING THAT THEY F*CKING SAY AND DO IS MUCH MORE CORRECT, MUCH MORE MATURE, AND MUCH MORE REASONABLE. Sure, adults are generally more mature and more experienced, but it DOESN'T GIVE THEM THE MOTHERF*CKING RIGHT TO TRAMPLE DOWN WHAT WE THINK, SAY AND FEEL LIKE SH*T ROTTING IN THE DAMNED SOIL. "Don't give me that crap" is their way of not listening to us, and another example of their being extremely damn unreasonable. By making us feel inferior and stupid, they continue to exercise their control over us and push our faces further into the sh*t-filled dirt of a destroyed self-esteem.

2. "We're doing this for your own good./We always know what's good for you./We're doing this because we love you."
How are swearwords, comments like "stupid idiot" and "family f*ck-up", and threats like "I'll disown you" and "you'll never see your friends again" MOTHERF*CKING SUPPOSED TO HELP US?! These are, under no circumstances, WORDS OF PARENTS' PROMISED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND CARE. These things will NEVER WORK TOWARDS OUR GOOD, not unless their definition of good is a traumatic childhood or a future as a serial killer. They will NOT ALWAYS KNOW WHAT IS BEST, BECAUSE THEY ARE HUMAN TOO AND ALSO MESS UP. At some point in our lives or another, agreeing to them will only hurt us. Parents are not gods, and even God himself (being called the Merciful One) would never say such things to 12-16 year olds.

1. "WALA KANG KWENTA - You're worthless."
Three words in reply: Fuck you too.

Parents - TRUE ones - show respect and give love unconditionally. We, as children, must give respect and love unconditionally as well. Sometimes, though, it just gets too difficult to love and respect the people who don't love and respect us as well.

Yes, I have issues. You can't get me without those.

so i guess...

2007-03-12T21:43:00.000+08:00

...we didn't disappoint after all. :D A++ baybeh.

Origins.

Disappointment

2007-03-11T13:22:00.000+08:00

You know how it feels

When everyone is expecting so much of you
When everyone is in great anticipation of what'll happen next
When everyone expects something amazing
When everyone expects something awesome
When everyone expects something cool

And then you fail.

You fail to meet those expectations
And you fail to give them what they wanted
And you fail to do as well as expected.
You disappoint
Him
Them
And yourself.

I know how it felt.
Please don't remind me.

di pa tapos!

2007-03-08T18:32:00.000+08:00

Stole it from Sir Joey.

My supposed mental age. We'll see how truly mature I am...

[] I know how to make a pot of coffee (I gotta learn tho...)
[] I can do my own laundry
[] I can cook for myself (Gahd, no)
[] I do my chores after being told once (...)
[x] I always do my homework/work (well, yeah, but i don't finish it XD)
[x] I actually enjoy intellectual conversations
[] I think politics are exciting or somewhat
[] My parents & grandparents most of the time have better things to say than my peers
total: 2

[x] I show up for school/work every day unless I’m sick
[x] I always carry a pen/pencil in my pocket/purse
[x] I’ve never gotten a ticket. (coz I don't even drive XD)
[] I watch talk shows and point out the incredibility of it all
[x] I know what incredibility means without looking it up
[] I drink black coffee
total: 4

[x] I know how to run the dish washer and/or do the dishes
[x] I can count in more than one language
[] When I say I’m going to do something, I do it. (sometimes lang...)
[] I mow the lawn
[] I wash my car (don't have one)
[x] I can make adults laugh without being stupid
[] I remember to water my plants
[x] I study when I have to
[x] I pay attention at school/work (almost always. :D)
[] I remember to feed my pets.
[] I’m generally organized
[x] I know the meaning of capital punishment
total: 6

[x] I can spell experience without looking it up
[] I clean up my own mess
[] The first thing I do when I wake up is get coffee (is coffee really a rite of passage into adulthood? XP)
[x] I can go to the store without getting something I don’t need
[x] I understand jokes the first time they are said. (pag di corny.)
[] I listen to my elders (as well as to the village ancestors XD)
[x] I understand the fact that the world always screws someone over (like me)
[x] I can type fast, because I type every day.
total: 5

[x] My choice in clothing is acceptable in an office or something like that (heheh. I love khakis and black shirts.)
[x] I can watch politics and laugh (do political discussions, SONAs, and campaign ads count? :D)
[x] I have realized that the weather forecast changes every hour (duh.)
[x] I have realized that no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job
[x] I can read a book and actually finish it
[] People have said that I act older than I am
[] I can be sent on an errand and not get side tracked
total: 5

Yeah! I'm 22. So my mind is of legal age and can drink, drive, or get married. Or do all 3 in order. XD

I finished my C++ program nga pala! I would like all the people who helped me... Kevin... Jan... Anna... DR... yeah! Send those algorithms to hell!

The ASS episode - Alliance of Super Students - is coming up. We're making progress, but I'm still scared that we won't be able to finish it in time. D: I'm plugging and linking it at every given opportunity to raise it up on the Internet. Yeahah. XD

---

jljj6k w9g4zhb hzz2z z,9 xz ,zh6zlll

The Fucking Assholes

2007-03-07T19:11:00.000+08:00

This. Is. Awesome.

Go PJ! :D

WTH.

2007-03-05T15:22:00.001+08:00

I got nominated for the 2007 Philippine Blog Awards. RD pointed it out to me. Eto:

Click to enlarge each image and all that carp...

rdabmail (3/4/2007 6:34:25 PM): psst
rdabmail (3/4/2007 6:34:38 PM): congrats on your nomination, hope you win
rdabmail (3/4/2007 6:34:45 PM): (blog awards)
rdabmail (3/4/2007 6:34:51 PM):
gkd5unomgy (3/4/2007 6:34:56 PM): huh?
rdabmail (3/4/2007 6:35:15 PM): inkblotter is on the list of nominees
rdabmail (3/4/2007 6:35:23 PM): congrats
rdabmail (3/4/2007 6:35:41 PM): (it also links to your site)
gkd5unomgy (3/4/2007 6:36:00 PM): where?
rdabmail (3/4/2007 6:36:05 PM): wait
rdabmail (3/4/2007 6:36:36 PM): http://www.philippineblogawards.com.ph/entries/nominees-main-categories/
rdabmail (3/4/2007 6:36:47 PM): you're under personal
rdabmail (3/4/2007 6:37:09 PM): congrats!
gkd5unomgy (3/4/2007 6:37:38 PM): gah
gkd5unomgy (3/4/2007 6:37:43 PM): someone nominated me

Yes, gah. And it's obviously someone I know, because RC is right below me on the list. We were nominated consecutively. It doesn't really bother me that I'm there. It's just that I have absolutely no chance of winning T_T. The criteria are as follows, with appropriate edits:

And look at who I'm up against. ZOMG. The bitchiest spouter of cynicism I have ever met and admired.

Most of the blogs here have matured waaaaay beyond mine, and are either controversial, cynical, or meant to be funny. A Blog Awards is no place for the emo blog of a 15-year old Philippine Science Student. Maybe in... 10 years. T.T

(Yes, I use IE; Firefox won't damned install. Grr.)

~~~

~~Owon~~
Okow
Okonwo
Okownko
Okonkwo! There! DX

ASS trailer!

2007-03-04T18:16:00.000+08:00

Our project trailer can now be found on YouTube!

And our project blog can be found on Wordpress!

Don't you dare tell me you don't think Ma'am Orate is hilarious. Now, turn in your asses to Ma'am Orate, people. You need your asses to save you. :P

I'll shift to a Wordpress blog...

2007-02-28T18:02:00.000+08:00

...only if two-thirds of the following conditions are met. Alam kong maraming lumilipat and nang-iiwan, but I can't leave this blog just because of a better interface/blogging service.

I get a PageRank of 4 or more.
9999 hits.
500 comments in total - tags are not comments.
Blogger starts charging or shutting down.
I learn CSS and Java. (para makagawa ako ng maayos na layout and stuff)
I get paid to blog on Wordpress. [Hah. Yeah right.]
A Wordpress YM widget.
LJ deletes my blog for inappropriate content. [Ito na magiging hyper hidden emo blog ko kung ganun.]
Feel ko.

Masaya kaya mag-blog sa Blogger. Gago lang ang IE at hindi marunong mag-block ng mga pop-up.

I just kinda noticed...

2007-02-26T20:26:00.000+08:00

I've lost everyone's respect and gained nothing for it.

The difference between our blogs and theirs

2007-02-25T17:23:00.000+08:00

By ours I mean teenagers - those too old to cry and run to parents when the mean old kid from next door swats you in the face with a slipper, but too young to legally go bar hopping, get drunk, and get thrown out bodily onto the pavement by the bouncer when you trip and fall headfirst into someone's nether regions.

By theirs I mean adults. Twenty-somethingers to thirty-somethingers, eg. Sir Martin. People who profit just being online. People who are old enough to drink or drive but almost always responsible enough not to do both at the same time. The members of society actually recognized as members of society.

The difference between our blogs and theirs are that our blogs are emo blogs. Don't take it badly. By emo I mean emotion. (Oh, and there's nothing wrong with being "emo" emo. I'm "emo" emo, and if you have a problem with it go f-ck yourself. >:E XD) We tend to write about what we went through over a certain time or during a certain event, and how these experiences made us feel and are making us feel. Try clicking one of the links to the left, and clicking on their links, and more likely than not you'll find someone describing that horrible exam or gimik with friends, or telling his/her readers about a new crush or a hated classmate.

Their blogs, on the other hand, have substance and opinion. They rant, rave, and write more about society and politics and the economy and the government and movies and artists from the 80s and people and information and other stuff most of our generation could care less about. They actually get trolled and flamed and commented and nominated into official blog listings - because what they write get people talking. And not in the chika sense.

[Although sometimes these types of blogs generate horrible posts that serve to irritate the people. And not all adults who blog are mature - some blogs seem to be online versions of septic tanks.]

Of course, that doesn't mean that we don't write well. From time to time, we come up with a really great post that serves to amaze others, and even ourselves. We occasionally inspire controversy, debate, and discussion between people who stumble upon our blogs. This is our growth as bloggers, as people who express themelves as themselves online. Those among us, the techno-savvy youth of today, who have blogs and continue to pour out into them, may one day become true bloggers. True bloggers whose opinions, posts and comments matter and contribute to the mind, and affect the feelings of the readers. Bloggers and writers whose keyboards are mightier than swords.

If you look really closely, you can actually see me smiling

2007-02-22T20:35:00.000+08:00

Happy day today. :D

omg, Gian said he was happy!

Yeah, whatever. So anyway, naging masaya lang ako around mga SocSci time. Why?
Nanalo kasi kami sa Quiz Bee - Me, Jerome and si Mae. Mwahahah.
Katawa nga eh, I wasn't tallying our score habang sumasagot kami; I was expecting na we'd end up 5th or 6th out of 11 groups ata. Grabe, ang galing ni Jerome and ni Mae. Galing ko rin tsumamba ng sagot XD Tapos si Je was tallying pala. Sabi niya we were around second or third. I dismissed it, and we were kinda disappointed when other groups whom we thought better than us were announced 3rd and 2nd. Tapos first pala kami!! Hahah. Israel pwns you all.

Nakatama din ako ng bola! :D I raced a base. Yay. :P

Then biglang nalaman namin na yung project namin sa Art, nasira ng 1st years! Oh noes. Accidente daw. May girl from Diamond '10 na nadapa and fell on it. Poor her. :[ They were nice enough to actually go to Sir Cipriano and ask for an extension for us. Wow. At least mabait sila. And accident naman. And naayos naman namin kahit papaano.

And then!

Because of us pala, deadlines for all the projects were extended. :O Hahah. So sa lahat ng Sci, thank us. :P

Ohohoh!

May bago akong phone! Nokia 2230. Zomg. Ipapagmalaki ko bukas. >3

Day 2

wow, araw

2007-02-21T20:11:00.000+08:00

Woke up late and like crap. Dammit.

Got pissed at most of the English speeches. I was sick and bitchy. But then! Geom came.

I love polygons! :D Nakakuha kami ng 2200 points in Geometry Jeopardy! because of polygons. \^^/ The ultimate mood raiser. So, ayun, sumaya ako. :P

Katawa. Nung lunch parang buong caf nag-aalala kung abstinence-conforming ba yung pagkain sa caf. :P Buti binaunan ako ng fishda. Pero ginutom ako until Physics, kung saan nilipasan na 'ko. Onga pala, Galileo's Falling Buddies! :D Wala lang.

Nakapag-mass ako! And masaya ako because of it. As in sobrang ubod ng napakasaya.

Binigyan ako ni Quintin ng giant Toblerone. :D Wala lang. Cute yung box. And masarap ang chocolate. :3

'Di pa namin tapos Art. T.T Gagawa pa 'ko speech. Pero okeikei lang. Then mag-aaral pa 'ko for the SS Quiz Bee. Yehey. T.T

---
...belly dancing in a circle. XD
---
Day 1

imma powet!

2007-02-20T20:41:00.001+08:00

I'd forgotten na I researched in December on different poetry forms for the English bonus. And here I tried one of them. The one right here is called a "pantoum." Click here for the webpage on which I took the form from. The pantoum consists of a lot of repetitions and stuff, kaya naaliw ako. Here's my pantoum on pantoums. :D I colored the lines to show you the repetition.

Pantoum

Untypical creation
Written under norms
Some verbal fornication
Convoluted forms

Written under norms
The rules of each quatrain
Convoluted forms
To which the words contain

The rules of each quatrain
Atypical constrictions
To which the words contain
Redundant repetition

Atypical constrictions
The "pantoum" of non-prose
Redundant repetition
And nearing to the close

The "pantoum" of non-prose
Some verbal fornication
And nearing to the close
Untypical creation

Ayun. So naaliw ako. And then! I discovered na may sarili na palang poetry form ang Pinoy. It's called the "Hay(na)ku." Yeah, a play on the Japanese Haiku. XD Click here for the webpage. Right here's my poem. It's kewl. And it explains a lot of Pinoy poems that I've read over the years in lit anthologies.

Haynaku.
Three lines.
And six words.

Yes, I basically defined it. XD And that's all to it. A stanza of three lines and six words - one word in the first line, two words in the second, and three in the third - no syllable or rhyme constraints. Astig. :D

Feel ko maging mababaw

2007-02-20T19:30:00.000+08:00

Feeling ko pinansin ako ng medyo medyo today. :D Pero hindi ko pa rin matamaan yung bola sa softball. >:E Kainis.

Ano kaya personality ko?
a. something
b. something in between
c. something else
B na lang. Hindi sigurado eh. :P

Napa-cram kami ng ValEd. Tapos kalahati lang. 1 out of 2 videos lang. Yuck. Pag nasa laptop pa ni Kate, pa-upload ko siya. :3 Oh yeah. Yay Kate.

Ang pangit ng gabi ko. Walang kumakausap sa 'kin. :( At least for now. Someone make my night. Hah. Ang feeling ko. Parang may nagbabasa pa dito. Tapos siya. Ayaw niya 'kong kausapin. Kinakausap na nga, ayaw pa 'ko sagutin ng matino. Haay. Sana mabasa niya 'to. Kahit hindi niya kilala na siya 'to. -.-;

And yay, si someone else nga pala, kinakausap na 'ko. Hahah. Wala lang. Even if minsan hindi niya ako pinapansin. At least, diba.

Hindi ako nakapag-confession. Shit. Patay ako. Bahala. ._.

Abstinence dapat ngayong gabi. >.<

Kewl.

2007-02-19T22:49:00.000+08:00

I won.

Pero may magagawa kaya ako this time? :/

Sana naman bigyan na ko ng pag-asa ng tao.

Worth whatever

2007-02-19T21:54:00.000+08:00

My blog is worth $15,807.12.
How much is your blog worth?

Got it from Sir Joey. Kinda disappointing. :(

Politics and pseudo-friends

2007-02-18T13:10:00.000+08:00

I honestly don't know whether I want to win this year. Because somehow I'm not able to make much of a difference anyway. I apply as a candidate in the batch and school elections because I want to be able to do something, and not just sit around and complain when something goes wrong. I always want to be one of those people who try to make sure that the world runs smoothly for everyone else.

But this past year, I feel like I've been able to do nothing. Whenever work is tasked, I never receive my fair share; whenever something needs to be done, I am placed under the assumption that I won't be able to do it.

I've feel incompetent and useless and everything in between, and the only reason I'm running again is to prove to everyone, and even more to myself, that I'm not. I want to lead and serve; I want to become part of the fair few that tries to push for good changes.

And if this year will just be the same, might as well vote someone else. Hi Kayla. :]

---

They're not really my friends, are they? Those people who are nice to me anyway but wouldn't give a damn or not if I did something good for them. Them, who live life so happily and have forgotten about me almost totally...

Yeah, I'm bitter. Fucking deal with it. >:]

Aksis

2007-02-18T13:07:00.000+08:00

Join now.

Hallmark Holiday?

2007-02-14T20:02:00.000+08:00

Ganun daw ang V-day. Waheheh.

Just a few thoughts:

- There is more than one St. Valentine. Therfore "Happy Valentines' Day" is more correct than Happy Valentine's Day." Even if we only celebrate the feast of one of these "Saint Valentines." And so Wiki I quoth...
"Saint Valentine refers to one or more martyred saints of ancient Rome. The feast of Saint Valentine was formerly celebrated on February 14 by the Roman Catholic Church until the revised calendar 1969.
His birth date and birthplace are unknown. Valentine's name does not occur in the earliest list of Roman martyrs, that was compiled by the Chronographer of 354.
The feast of St. Valentine was first decreed in 496 by Pope Gelasius I, who included Valentine among those "... whose names are justly reverenced among men, but whose acts are known only to God." As Gelasius implied, nothing is known about the lives of any of these martyrs."

- Valentines' Day is, therefore, technically a Christian holiday, one (like Christmas) exploited by greeting card companies, stuffed toy stores and flower shops.

- The heart shape that usually comes to one's mind looks almost nothing like the real heart. It looks more like the imprint of someone's ass.

- It is the hypothalamus, and not the heart, that controls the chemical functions that cause emotions. Now, try replacing the word "heart" with "hypothalamus" in all of the love songs you know. :D

- Red has a large wavelength and small frequency. XD Red is the supposed color of love. Red is also the color associated with anger. And a synonym of anger is "mad." Therefore love is madness. :D Joke lang.

---

Haberday DJ. :P

IE is crap; guitar strings

2007-02-04T21:11:00.000+08:00

Nagbabago PageRank ko sa browser. I hate IE and miss Firefox.

Nagpalit ako ng strings ng guitar ko! Yehey. So the only reason na pwede ako pagalitan now ng guitar teacher ko is na I'm not in a proper position. But changing those strings were fucking frustrating hard. Grrarr. Galit na 'ko ngayon sa nylon strings. But now I kinda appreciate the sound of the pieces I play. I'm gonna get serious na rin. Or baka lang na-inspire ako dahil mukhang bago yung strings. :P

I have a computer of my own now! Well, not really. Para lang 'di ko gamitin yung sa dad ko. What, did you really think I had a computer of my own all this time? -_-; Unfortunately, super slow niya, its RAM and thinking processes are like a 1st grader trying to solve one of Ma'am Orate's more "exciting" problems. So I can't do anything but surf or YM. And somehow Firefox won't install. T_T. Stupid IE.

Paolo Santos is a RENTophile...

2007-02-03T17:15:00.000+08:00

or he rips off from Broadway musicals. Either way, I love the way he sings "Seasons of Love" - I heard this around a year ago, and ngayon ko lang uli nakita while surfing on TristanCafe. Here it is. Right-click on the "CONTROLS" thing below and click "Play" to stop.

Or click here: Seasons of Love

"My ex-girlfriend's name is Love." XD

I wanna sing like this one day. But first I have to get to work on my guitar. I still suck.

Nowhere to go but down?

2007-02-03T12:20:00.000+08:00

Just got my grades. Below is a table of my grades until the 3rd quarter.

Course	[a.k.a.]	1st Quarter	2nd Quarter	3rd Quarter
Biology 1 (BIO1)	Bio	1.50	1.75	1.50
Chemistry 1 (CH1)	Chem	1.75	1.75	1.50
Physics 1 (PH1)	P6	1.75	1.50	1.25
Mathematics 2 (M2)	Geom	1.75	1.50	1.50
Mathematics 3 (M3)	Algeb	1.75	1.50	1.75
Computer Science 2 (CS2)	ComSci	1.25	1.00	1.25
English 2 (E2)	Eng	1.25	1.00	1.00
Filipino 2 (F2)	Pinoy	1.50	1.25	1.00
Social Science 2 (SS2)	SocSci	1.25	1.25	1.50
PEHM 2 (PE2/H2/Mu2)	PEHM	1.25	1.00	1.25
Values Education 2 (VE2)	ValEd	1.25	1.50	1.25
Art 2/Drafting 2 (A2/DRF2)	Art/CAD	1.25	1.25	1.25
Environmental Science/Technology Skills 1 (ENV/TSK1)	EnviSci/TechSkills	1.25	1.25	1.00
Weighted Average (GWA)	Average	1.4464	1.3750	1.3214

I went up this quarter. But yes, I'm not satisfied. Far from it pa nga. It's good that I was able to work most of my subjects up, especially Bio, the 2-unit subject. But my dreams of getting a 1.0 in SS2, M2 or M3 are gone forever. Even if (by some amazing God-force) I get a 1.0 in these subjects, they'll only end up as 1.25s or 1.5s on the card. Sobrang frustrating that I can't get a 1.0 in these subjects. My only hopes now for 1.0s are subjects like PH1 and E2 or F2. I have to retain my 1.0s and ace my 1.25s para sa Fourth Quarter. I'm scared for both my higher marks (baka bumaba) and my lower marks (baka lalong bumaba). Baka di na 'ko makaabot sa dapat maabot - a 1.2-something GWA.

A lot of people are asking why I push myself to do these things and get these grades. Well, to put it simply, I want to prove. Prove to my family that I'm worth more than they think I am. Prove to myself that I can do something with my life. And prove to the world that I can be someone who is someone, not just some half-assed mediocre everyday guy.

For those waiting for Deathly Hollows...

2007-02-02T18:01:00.000+08:00

...try this first. The first HP quiz I've seen that encompasses all 6 books so far.

Beat Ma'am Fil. Bwahah.

~~

I rejoice! My PageRank is now a 3. :D Keep those links coming, people. XD

defunct-ness over

2007-02-01T20:24:00.000+08:00

I've stopped being defunct because RC told me not to. And because people are tagging. Yay.

No post for now, just an advert.

Wanted: Arnold Arre's graphic novel "After Eden"

Willing to pay: P1000 max, or - kung kilala ko kayo - various services (:P example, homework niyo, or magiging utusan ako, etc. XD)

Conditions: dapat fairly good condition; complete pages and cover still in good condition. Owner must be willing to part ways. :P

Why: I miss my copy that I gave to someone. I miss the story. And I miss Arre's art.

~~
ROCK on. :D

2007-01-23T22:09:00.000+08:00

From now on I will keep myself from using other people.

Coz that's the only way people ever see me anymore.

Me, myself, and I hate being called that [crossposted]

2007-01-21T14:30:00.000+08:00

My name. I am rambling and ranting about my name. I am an angry tiger. Hear me roar. *roar*

A. /ghee-an/ ~ /jee-an/
I don't really mind my name being pronounced either way, but I hate it that people have to ask and debate, "Ano ba talaga? 'jee-an' o 'gee-an'?" Can't people just leave the topic alone? Or if they really want to know, can't they use their common sense?? Come on. Would my parents really give me a girl's name?

B. "Gian Dapul"
Not that I hate my surname or anything, but I noticed that when people who don't really know me refer to me, they attach my surname. Some people would say that this is to distinguish me from other Gians, or this is a sign of respect, but then they have other common names with no surname, or other respectable people with no surname. It's like calling me informally has a certain stigma attached to it. Fuck you all. Am I that unapproachable, undesirable and unwanted that you can't bring yourself to call me by the four-letter name I identify myself with?

C. Dapple
This is another of my proofs to my theory that Americans speak funny, besides "Ay-rack" and "Nu-kyu-lar", is the fact that VERY FEW of them can't pronounce, say, or even spell our surname right. It's DAPUL. Okay?! DA-PUL. /da'-pool-/. Accent on the "Da," and then go light on the "pul." Do NOT say it quickly. Do NOT change the intonation. Do NOT say "Dapple" or "De Paul." Fucking righteous assholes.

D. ZOMG iT bGinZ wD a KAY tHaTZZ zO qROngZZz!!!11shift
Fuck all the teachers, government officials, spell checkers, document writers, and transcript records who think they know my name so much fucking better than I do that they change the 'K' in Karlo to a motherfucking 'C'. Putang ina kayong mga nagmamarunong pa sa akin! Mamatay sana kayo na mali-mali nakasulat na pangalan sa mga puntod niyo!! #w#

sniff

2007-01-19T22:01:00.000+08:00

Been a long time since I actually updated, ano? The stress and lack of sleep isn't and hasn't really been helping these past few days. And it doesn't help either that no one actually reads this blog anymore, not really. I've been checking the counter every few days, and there's not much growth or change... I dunno. Nawala na ata yung blogging thing ko. I'm not as happy blogging as I used to... I need validation, I guess. But I'm not deleting this blog anytime soon. "Soon" being very relative. I'll just stuff out the same way that I blow my nose on a used and reused piece of tissue.

This week was the hell week before YMSAT week. As I think John B. put it, "...all the fires on Earth." I'm sick right now; slightly feverish and dizzy half of the time. The headaches I've been having; they hurt the way your head would hurt after someone hit you over the head with a Bio book. Aray. It's a dull sort of pain that spikes when I get up from lying down or lie down after being up. Grar. It also hurts when I get eyestrain, so I'm actually typing with the keyboard on my lap and me facing to my right. Nasanay na 'ko sa MacBook ni Kate where I type on my lap. Waheheh. But the worst part of getting sick is - I can't smell. My nose is inconveniently clogged up half of the time, and the other half it's inconveniently dripping. Eew. But I can't smell - smell people, smell food, smell the beautiful smells I love to smell - like the smell of air-conditioning or a familiar room or of chocolate. :~[ People can't understand me half of the time when I talk, and I feel like my nose is about to fall off from the bridge down. I can't breathe properly, either - I've been having a fucking bad cough even before the cold, and I can't inhale without going into a painful fit of coughing. Shit... ayoko na ng ganito... *cough*

*advert: Play "Pisay! (The Trials Of Dora)" this YMSAT week! Bio exhibit 9, Group 1, II-Camia - found right outside the front door to Rm 109, nearest to the Bio Faculty! Wala lang... good reviews for us mean good grades."

That reminds me. Sinama nga pala ako sa Bio Intersection thingy with Gero and Mae. Cool. Wish me good luck, dammit. At least naman tumaas Bio grade ko to 1.50. I really hope I can jack it up to a 1.25 this quarter. Wish me good luck talaga.

I want a Kevin waffle now. Spread the warm waffle love.

Oo nga naman.

2007-01-11T18:37:00.000+08:00

I'm kinda sick and tired of having all these links here. Honestly. So I'm stripping my blog links list of unwanted people. How do you not become one of them? Tag or comment why I shouldn't take out your link. And I'll put you back on. I mean, why should I give anyone free advertising? This is part of my "Blogs are not a fucking fad" philosophy. So if you're serious about blogging and everything, you should be able to tell me within the next two weeks or so. That's all. Only people I consider friends will be spared that sad fate.

Anon

2007-01-10T06:02:00.000+08:00

Some you are wondering, "No birthday post?" Yeah. Because I didn't have a birthday. I aged, sure enough. But no celebration.

All I got was a wild gift the day after. -,-

Oh yeah. I don't think I'll be able to blog for a while. So don't go looking for me.

Close ba tayo?

2007-01-02T01:30:00.000+08:00

Got the idea from Carlo. Basically, it's a checklist that determines how close we are. Whoever you are.

If you get more than half of the signs of one level, you can move on to the next, and the level you just passed determines our relationship. If not, it means you're stuck at the level below that. (Evidently if you don't even go past the first level, you're nothing to me.) Not totally accurate though.

LEVEL 1: Acquaintances ("Hey, I know you... you're that... dude I know!")

You know my first first name (yeah, my first first name) and my last name.
You know where I study now.
You're reading this blog.
You are or have been my classmate.
You've talked about me with or to other people.
We've met and talked at least once.
I've texted you or you've texted me at least once.
You know na galing akong Claret.
You know how old I am.
We share the same tastes in music (If you agree w/ any of the ff: a. Rock or Jazz is awesome b. Hip-hop and Rap sucks c. Filipinos are awesome musically)

LEVEL 2: Semi-friends ("Hey. How're you doing?")

I greet you when we meet.
I've had a conversation with you, probably about schoolwork or some minor interest.
You work with me on a periodic basis. (Example, kaklase ka, or pareho club natin or something)
You've IM'd or e-mailed me personally - yung hindi GM.
You've asked me, or I've asked you for answers to questions.
I've had physical contact with you.
You can name the title and URL of my blog when I ask you.
You don't need to ask if my name's pronounced as jee-an' or ghee'-an. (And if you are wondering, it's originally the ghee'-an one)
You know my favorite colors. (Black, brown, grey, dark blue)
You're friends with me on Friendster.

LEVEL 3: Friends (*hug*)

I've hugged you.
You know when my birthday is, including year.
You've defended me or my reputation.
You try to reply, as much as possible, when I text you.
You've tagged on my blog.
You've invited me to do something or go somewhere with you.
You've gone looking for me just for the purpose of talking to me.
You've become truly and deeply concerned about me.
I've told you some or most of my secrets.
I personally told you that I'm bisexual - kahit on the phone, YM, text.

LEVEL 4: Good friends (I'll be there for you/ When the rain starts to fall)

You've hugged me.
You know about my other blog. (OoOoOoh, what other blog??? o.O)
You've given Blogger comments here.
You've told me to stop hurting myself.
You've called me up, kahit on a residence line, cellphone, whatever.
We've had a serious and life-changing conversation.
You've told me some or most of your secrets.
You wouldn't leave me even if I did or have something horribly wrong - for example, nakapatay ako ng tao, nabaliw ako, may AIDS ako, etc.
I've given you any sort of gift.
You acknowledge the fact that I'm bi and don't mind when I talk about it or in relation to it.

LEVEL 5: People I trust, love, and forever will.
If you've gotten this far, go to my other blog and read Level 5. Oh, and if you can't read it, you're stuck at 4. Sorry.

Another day, another year

2006-12-31T22:47:00.000+08:00

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure -- measure a year?

In daylights -- In sunsets
In midnights -- In cups of coffee
In inches -- In miles
In laughter -- In strife

In -- Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love

Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died

It's time now - to sing out
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love

Measure, measure your life in love

Seasons of love...
Seasons of love

It's really odd how people say "Happy New Year" instead of "Have A Happy New Year" - and even that well-wishing greeting is off somehow. You can never really have a happy new year in the first place, because once you go through that year, it's no longer the "new" one.

Looking back at your year, what do you tend to focus on? The good things that happened to you; the things you were able to do; the obstacles you were able to overcome? More likely than not, you'll be looking at the shit you went through; the things you failed to do; the obstacles that kept you from achieving your goals. You'll find that you didn't completely fulfill your resolutions; keep your promises; that you have a LOT of room for improvement. I'm not being negative, just honest - this focus on what we don't have is what pushes us to change; contentment is a static state of mind, and the fact that we're not perfect is the only reason that we try to change.

My year was definitely not a season of love. It was a season of jealousy, treachery, hurt, anger, stupidity, indifference.There was a lot of love, but only some of it got through. That probably means I haven't been very loving myself. My New Year's resolution is to love more. To love myself, to love others, to love my family (no matter how HARD it is to), and to finally realize that love isn't about the hugs or the warmth - those are only benefits - but about the little things that both the small and big people in my life do for me. Love you all. Have A Happy Year.

No day but today.

For the sake of posting such?

2006-12-25T03:14:00.000+08:00

No, I have not gone defunct. The Florida hotel we stayed at just doesn't have Internet.

Fuckin' right Christmas this is turning out to be. I'm posting from New Jersey. And I've had a damned miserable time so far. A damned miserable Christmas. Seems like I'll have a fucked up Christmas again.

I miss the world. Is anyone still alive?

Merry Christmas to all of you out there. At least, a better Christmas than what I'm having. :(

Not just for the sake of anything

2006-12-12T23:59:00.000+08:00

525600 minutes, 365.25 days, 1 year. 58 posts, 12 months; 80 comments, hundreds of tags.

Inkblotter has survived me, ignorance, spiteful readers, deletion, and abandonment. It has undergone layout changes, post deletions, text resizing, font changes, subtitle switches, and interface upheavals. It has gone through good blogs, bad blogs, pointless blogs, and beautiful blogs in the world of blogging.

It has gone through two halves of school years, a Christmas, a birthday, a clearance week, a summer vacation. It has gone through two Christmas parties, two fairs, one school, two sections, hundreds of people, tons of friends, several enemies, and millions of unknowns.

It has gone through my moods: distressed, touched, accomplished, predatory, pessimistic, nerdy, hungry, cheerful, high, amused, disappointed, cold, sore, grumpy, mellow, irate, pleased, productive, tired, ditzy, energetic, exanimate, full, crazy, indifferent, thirsty, apathetic, peaceful, happy, sympathetic, nostalgic, contemplative, pensive, loved, listless, rejuvenated, flirty, crushed, angry, horny, bitchy, sick, exhausted, irritated, refreshed, sleepy, pissedoff, numb, cynical, thankful, surprised, embarrassed, moody, weird, good, frustrated, cranky, ecstatic, morose, naughty, hopeful, bored, lazy, jubilant, complacent, crappy, satisfied, envious, dirty, chipper, giggly, uncomfortable, okay, artistic, dorky, blah, geeky, discontent, blank, busy, indescribable, creative, awake, recumbent, jealous, rejected, melancholy, content, nauseated, enraged, excited, hyper, curious, determined, silly, infuriated, restless, optimistic, calm, aggravated, working, impressed, thoughtful, rushed, sad, intimidated, stressed, giddy, nervous, drained, lethargic, hot, bouncy, devious, relaxed, shocked, relieved, lonely, scared, enthralled, quixotic, confused, worried, mischievous, annoyed, groggy, depressed, guilty, gloomy, anxious, drunk, grateful.

It has gone through my experiences both painful and healing, through the distrust, mistrust, and trust, through the lies, untruths, misunderstandings, truths and fakery, through the backstabbing, backbiting, fights, double-crossing, rivalry, friendship, relationship, love, and unity. It has gone through everything, anything and nothing; through all that is and that is none.

Without Inkblotter, I would not have met the people I know today, seen the world the way I do now, or survived life at all. I would not have matured into the person I am now; grown into the kind of person I am now. I would not have become who I have become, nor would I have made this kind of difference in the world.

Without Inkblotter, I would not have been set on this search to find inspiration, passion and wisdom in a world full of false depth and contrived love. I would not have sought for more emotion, more devotion, more depth and fullness.

I would not be, and nothing of mine would be possible.

But of course, none of anything would be possible without anyone else.

I thank Eruanne, polarbarr, and Calandil, the bloggers whose blogs inspired me to create my own.

I thank kev r, the one who got me to create my own penname - literally, pen name - BlackIce.

I thank dez and Inkwell for being the inspirations for my blog URL and blog name.

I thank my Ate Hedz for introducing me to the inspiration that is Starbucks and giving me my first planner (which I sadly lost a few months ago), my first true journal and outlet.

I thank gryphoenix, mike s, orio, Sophomoric Philosopher, jeJo, beii, Vasanti, Gray, Eruanne, polarbarr, and Calandil, for being the most supportive and inspirational bloggers out there.

I thank gryphoenix, jill l, dr g, mike s, koko r, orio, neon a, Eruanne, Sir Martin, polarbarr, Calandil, beii, Vasanti, and Gray, my inspirations in flow of rhyme and lack of reason.

I thank Opal '09, the Pillowfriends, SCA, SK, KBC, Camia '09, the groups whom without I wouldn't be.

I thank Claret, for bringing me to the top and into Pisay. I thank Pisay, my true home. I thank Starbucks, my place of rest, happiness, inspiration, and much-needed coffee. I thank Blogger, without which I would not have begun blogging so easily. I thank Livejournal, for an alternate expression. I thank Neopets, Insaniquarium, TextTwist, Limewire, GBA and SNES emulators, and Windows Media Player for alternate distractions. I thank YM and Globe, my alternate communiations.

I thank all my teachers, past and present, for teaching me how to learn as I go. I thank my parents and family, whom without I would not be.

I thank neon a, kevin r, Eruanne, dez, jo d, and carlo, to whom I trusted everything I am and was; for being the shoulders I cried on; for being the ones to whom I opened up to when everything was lost.

I thank my friends outside of the virtual world, too many to mention in such little time and space. These people are any of the people who've followed me through the best and worst of my times, who has read my blog to the point of exhaustion. The people who are willing to reply when I text them. The people who talk to me without me beginning a conversation. The people who thank me even when the things I do aren't really that big to them. The people who appreciate my efforts, labor, and work. The people who call me by my name everytime they say "Hi" in the corridors. The people whom acknowledge my existence and do not hold anything against me. The people who love me.

I thank those whom I don't know, cannot remember, or cannot say, but have been just as supportive - or more so - than those that emerge in my mind. I treasure you all even more, because you are there as my mind passes over you - whoever you all are, I thank you.

RENTed

2006-12-10T23:05:00.000+08:00

Poster courtesy of RD.

These days

2006-12-09T00:05:00.000+08:00

...are better than last year's. Evidently. Seen me smiling lately? Yeah. I enjoyed this Christmas more than last year's. A horrible one, last year's was.

The not-a-nightmare before Christmas party

The Christmas Party was alright; in fact, it was good - Quintin and the council pulled it off quite nicely. That's my opinion. The night didn't exactly have the air of Christmas, but who cares - it was an enjoyable party. Good food, cute games (damn Jasmin :D joke), and cool costumes. The lights and glowsticks helped a lot too - I'm thinking that's the sort of thing they should've done during the Soph Night. But maybe I'm just saying all this happy shit because I went for a Frappucino before the event. Onga pala, binigay ko yung sticker ko to the person behind me - and now some Miriam HS girl thinks I'm her stalker or something. Eep. >.<

The only disheartening thing about the party was that there were people who didn't enjoy the party as much as I did. It made me guilty to see that while others were smiling others were sulking or silently crying in a corner. Maybe that's how people feel about me when I'm sad. I only wish I could've done something to help them.

Paskorito, Pasko roon, Paskung saan-saan

Got home at around 11, then I remembered na meron pa palang outreach the following day. Oops. So woke up early (wahah) the next day and headed for school, where a lot of people were panicking to finish requirements. Hahah. Tapos nagsimula yung outreach - our duty was to make the Christmas of 300-odd(?) children a little better. Kaya una we (the SA) were put through the humiliation of exercising in front of the kids. Fun enough - go Mike! Go Ma'am Samala! :D

Then we were made to supervise the outreach activities - it was like a human zoo upstairs, with the caretakers running around to keep their wards from running into walls or other people. Chaotic, but everything went fairly smoothly (No, Room 113! 113!! You, where's your ward?! P-11! No, 11!! AAAAArrrghH! >u<). At the same time, nag-cram kami (me and Andrew) ng Pinoy portfolio, along with hundreds of other dyads under Ma'am Aguila.

In the afternoon, I had to go to the Paskorus competition and do backstage stuff with Neon. There, I finished off our Pinoy portfolio. Honestly, I have no idea kung bakit 'di kami nakapasok sa finals. No offense meant for anyone, but I still believe and insist we were waaaaaay better than those in our category. They couldn't even harmonize properly half of the time. Anyway, I'm kinda thankful. We didn't have to cram or practice or stress over anything. By the way, Diamond kicked all the other section's @$$3$ (again, no offense meant). Galing nga nila eh - they really were awesome, but I thought Dahlia would beat them out. Wrong. Hahah. The only other time that's happened - a 1st year section beating out 2nd year sections - was last year, Opal '09. :D

Left immediately after the Category II, and looked for Anna. We had planned a Starbucks date with Carlo for that day. Before we left though, we met Kuya Jowi, whom I gave a big hug. Hahah. Wala lang. Smuggled Anna out of Pisay and went off to Claret, where I got Carlo. Hahah. So I went on a date with two of the best people in the world in the Rustan's Starbucks along Katipunan. While fireworks were being regarded with wonder at Pisay, there were fireworks occurring where we were. Explosions and bright sparkles, fizzes and loud pops, cracks, and special effects - beautifully explosive.

All I want for Christmas

2006-12-01T13:29:00.000+08:00

Succumbing once more to the demands of a materalistic mind and selfish soul on the first day of December. :D

My Christmas Wishlist

Rated PG-13. Contains slightly disturbing, sexual-themed, and offensive content. (lol) But seriously, be open-minded with this one. Not your usual list.

[I have started scratching off stuff! Material stuff first, non-material stuff sometime later - maybe right before I leave. If you granted me a wish, and I don't know about it, feel free to cuss me out and point it out to me. XD If a wish has been granted, who says you can't grant it again and again? :D]

Material Stuff That Almost Nobody Can Get Me

A ~~sports watch~~ ~~that won't die on me before next Christmas. Has anyone noticed that my only time is cellphone time?~~ A beautiful Nike Triax Swift Kentucky (blue and black) from my Ate Hedz. $49.99. See me wearing it when I get back. * Another watch! Timex, this time, from my Tito. I have 2 years worth of watches now.
~~Braces. Dark blue ones. Yeah, seriously - I want straight teeth, dammit.~~ Expect me to be metal -mouthed sometime in mid-January, courtesy of my mom and dentist. :#
A portable radio. You know, the pocketable kind with earphones.
A MacBook. I can dream, can't I?
A flash drive with the biggest memory capacity evah.
A supahcool phone that can take decent pics, store music, broadcast radio, and not suck like shit all at the same time.
A digicam. A really quick, super compatible digicam with ultra-high resolution. Like Belsha's. I forgot what it was called, but it was teh greatest ever...
A really nice shoulder bag. Kahit hindi designer label, as long as it's good-looking and durable. Para di na 'ko sobrang mainggit pag dumadaan ang mga taong may magagandang bag.
~~Starbucks 2007 Planner. Syempre. Ako pa.~~ Got it na. Funny story, really. I was planning to get one for me, and one for my Ate. But apparently, one of her friends (*wink*) is getting it for her, too. And well my Ate would understand, anyway. So I guess it's mine. Miiiiine. Mwahah.
A grande Starbucks tumbler. For the ultimate coffee experience (and P5 discount)! Happiness is coffee.
A good, comfy, and durable pair of shoes for anytime anywhere. And I'm no Chucks fan, but if they'll do the job, I want black. Or a good shade of blue.
A whole collection of Arnold Arre's works. Anything and everything by him.
~~Moneh. Lots and lots of moneh. $.$~~ I have about $150 worth. Cool.
Any book by Neil Gaiman. Any. I don't own any of his books, demmit.
~~Lots and lots of brown, grey and black shirts (I can hear the French people of the fashion industry going "c'est horrible!") . Para 'di na lagi yung Giordano brown shirt suot ko.~~ Bought a few off Nike (I LOVE this company!) and got a dark green GAP shirt from my Ate. :D
Cargo pants. Same reason as the shirts (Tapos the n00b fashion people. "ZOMG monochromatiiiiic")
Maroon 5's Songs About Jane and Urbandub's Embrace. Good albums I've never really gotten around to getting.
The soundtrack for Avenue Q. Because the Internet is for porn.
Toffee Nut Lattes - in Frappucino, hot, or iced form, preferably grande or Venti-sized. :D
A pair of black bikini briefs. Laugh, and you die. I think they're sexeh.
A nice silver bracelet or necklace. Kahit di silver talaga... Basta a glint of silver along my neck and arm...
~~A decent book. Any book that you find interesting, I might too. Just get me a copy and refresh my tired mind.~~ Eragon by Paolini from my kuya and his wife. Good, pero nakakabitin. I need the next one now. Rawr. And I'm watching the movie.
Artwork starring me. A commissioned pic of me, basically. :D (Yanaaaa...)
~~Pics of me with friends. All of my friends. I'd especially want a triad pic of me, Anna, and Carlo... At Starbucks!~~ Not all, and no triad pic, but I still have pics of Anna and Carlo, courtesy of Anna. :D More pictures! More!
~~A huggable anything. Preferably a tiger. I love stuffed tigers.~~ Usagi-chan got me a really cuuuuute stuffed tiger! :3 *glomp* Andami ngang natuwa eh, because it's soooooo cuuuute!! ^^

Non-material Stuff That Are Even More Impossible To Get Than The Material Stuff

Guitar skills. Kasi I friggin' suuuuck. Baaad.
Decent skills at any major sport. Again, because I suuuuuck baaaaaaad.
Good grades. Meaning a GWA of 1.375 or higher. Pero this one is totally impossible. (Seryoso. Bumababa na grades ko...T_T)
Better writing skills. CPMA-standard.
~~Time with people at Starbucks. I want to have Starbucks dates before I leave for the US on the 15th - because Starbucks is the place where I am happiest, sitting in a corner with a Hot Grande Toffee Nut Latte.~~ Anna, Carlo... dudes, thanks talaga... Hahahah... Aalalahanin ko kayo pareho everytime mag-Starbucks ako from now on. ;D
A piercing. Yup. A little glint on my right earlobe. Just as weird a request as the braces, eh?
A nice body. To go with the briefs. Wahah. Grabe, I give new meaning to "asa ka pa."
Snow! I'm... dreaming of a white... Christmas...
A ~~decent time at the Christmas party. If you know me, you should know how my last time went. If you don't, it's like this - the first blogpost I ever made was about last year's party. It was entitled "Why do I suffer so?"~~ Had an awesome time at the party. Well, better than last year's, anyway. I had friends to celebrate with. Although, it didn't go too well for other people, and I feel a bit guilty for that. :'
~~Malling with friends. Just once before I go abroad.~~ Went with someone na. Not saying who, on the off chance I might hurt someone, but there. Thanks, dude.
A distinct personality. Let me explain... Few people go through high school without a distinct personality. I want a good, distinct self, that when people see a certain quality in someone they'd say... "Hey! Parang si Gian ah!" Yeah. That'd rock.
A better singing voice. Para once in a while I can hit those high notes.
A fling. o.O Ewan ba why. Just a quick Christmas fling.
A ~~French Kiss. Yeahp, you read right. Haven't had one in a loooong time. (Yes, I've had one! What?!)~~ Yeah, like I'm saying who. XP
To learn how to ride a bike. Seriously, this is stupid. I'm almost 15 and di pa 'ko marunong ng bike.
~~The chance to be bitchy at certain people at school. Because they haven't been talking to me lately. And have been acting like total snobs. (Here emerges my side that says "Bitch!")~~ During the outreach and Paskorus. I was bossy, bitchy, and happy, ordering people around and snapping at them. Mwahahahah.
~~My name~~ ~~in the media. Or in someone else's blog entry. Ansaya kaya when you read your name off somewhere. Maliban lang kung wanted list. Eheheh.~~ Ei, Migo. Mabilis din ah. :D Thanks. * Edz! Di mo sinasabi. Thanks.
To hear the saxophone being played live. Jazz is teh music. Sorry to all the rockers out there, but rock these days is getting really old.
~~Real, warmhearted~~ ~~hugs~~. I only think people care when they hug me. Kaya hug me once on a while. Kung nahihiya ka man na it'll be interpreted as something else, di kita kaibigan... Hugs are what keep me sane; what keep me alive... RC, Ate Paula, Anna, Carlo. :D Thanks bunches. ^^
~~Blogger comments~~. To know that you're actually reading. *nudge* Anna, Kuya Kido, Kate-chan, RC... Yay, four! :3
Blogfame! I want my blog to hit the first page of Google with a PageRank of at least 4! I'll hack the world's systems to link directly to me if I have to...
Reconciliation with myself, people and God. Self-explanatory, don't you think so?
A role in a play performance. Miss ko na yung Opal class play. And yung mga Batok plays namin noon sa SK.
The end of poverty in the world. Strange wish, ain't it? Click the white band on the upper right corner of my blog.
Happiness. Fringe benefit of everything up there.

Well, that's all of it. Be a kind soul and cross out anything for me. Make my Christmas a not-so-crappy holiday. Yeah, I know that Christmas is about the birth of Christ. I'll never forget that. But I wish I could have a Christmas that doesn't hold ill will and bad memories for me. For once.
~~~
I learned last year that Santa Claus does NOT exist. My world crashed around my ears. :D

For The Sake Of Posting Such

2006-11-25T18:07:00.000+08:00

1000 counter hits. Thanks. :D

I know! I'll ask you people what you want me to post about. Go. Suggest. Tell me if you want a blogpost, a story, an essay... bahala... Then I'll take someone's suggestion and write. I'm so with the idea, I'll even let people use the tagoard again. Heheh. But only until Dec. 1. Comments are needed to power the tagboard. >:D
~~~
Also, Google PageRank of 2. Not bad. :) Link me up, guys. :D

Happy but inadequate

2006-11-25T17:46:00.000+08:00

That's what the so-called Family Camp was. Inadequate. It didn't have the feel of a camp/retreat, and it didn't have the atmosphere of an Asian celebration. Maybe the two should have been kept apart.

Although, me and Tatay got a bit closer. Then we went for Starbucks after. Which is always a good way to get me to love someone more. :D Usually, me and Nanay lang gumagawa ng ganoon na "date"... Hahah.

Onga pala,
WE WON THE COSPLAY!!!
Yey! Sa wakas, may napanalunan din! XD

The script/flow was basically a jumble of our ideas put together, one walkout two or three days before... And we just jumbled everything up. Hahah. My greatest fear was that our costumes and props would be considered as crap - jap paper and crepe paper and cartolina and cloth and tape. Thank goodness for make-up artists and music. Pero astig. May judge daw na kinilabutan right before we presented. Kewl.
-
...sana 'di na tayo mag-away.

~~~
Hottest concubine ever: Andrew Fajardo! :D
Best fish-da: Anna Magcalas!
Future Animated Film Dubber: DR Gaerlan!
My favorite DJ/club mixer: Kate "Usagi-chan" Loyola! XD

Hate [HEAVY PROFANITY]

2006-11-23T19:58:00.000+08:00

Personalan 'to. Directed sa lahat ng matatamaan.

What would you do if someone hated you?
Ignore the person?
What if the person said bad stuff about you?
Ignore the bad stuff?
What if the person got other people to hate you?
Ignore those people?
What if other people judge you without listening to you, hearing you out, or not trying to get to know you, effectively ruining everything what's left of your life?

Then what would you do?

It's human nature to be unreasonable. To judge without justice, to hear without listening, to view without seeing. These people, of course, think that what they're doing is right - and maybe it is. To ignore and to hate is purely natural. To spit spite and be disgusting about it is inevitable in hate. Of course, the ones being hated are not enemies - they are simply those perceived as such. But then, when these people go out of their way to destroy another person without due cause, this is simply shit. I guess it's true that hate blinds, but it also deafens, numbens. When one hates a person so passionately, so vehemently, they should have reason to do so - fine, give any reason - but under no circumstances can a person be justified for changing the way other people think about the person he/she hates.

Hate can boil and stew and brew over in one's heart and mind, but it should never be allowed to spill over into the hearts and minds of others. When someone refuses to listen, to see reason, fine, there is no need to force this person to do so. But giving others the worst shit about other people is fuck damned unjustified. Hate the person, but leave others in peace! Don't give others crap about the person you hate - fuck it all, shut up already! Can't these people see that pulling others into the black void where their heart was only kills the person they hate?! Yes, these people want these people hurt, but to flail people into a fate worse than death is damned stupid!

PUTANG INA. WE NEVER SPREAD SHIT ABOUT YOU PEOPLE. WE WANT TO LIVE OUR LIVES ALREADY. STOP GIVING US ALL YOUR FUCKING CRAP. SHOVE IT BACK UP YOUR DAMNED ASSES ALREADY. IT'S ALREADY ENOUGH THAT YOU HATE US - YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONVINCE THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD AS WELL. CURSE US TO HELL, FOR ALL WE CARE - JUST GET OFF OUR CASE, AND STOP GETTING OTHERS TO SIDE WITH ALL OF YOU. THIS WAS NEVER A WAR IN THE FIRST PLACE - YOU ALL MADE IT THAT WAY, WITH YOUR LIES AND EXAGGERATIONS AND THE REST OF YOUR SHIT.

AND KAYO. MGA NAGPAPAKUMBINSE. GAGO KAYO. MGA NANINIWALA SA NAPAKAWLANG-KWENTANG PANGGAGAGO. TANG INA NYO RIN. YOU JUDGE US WITHOUT EVEN TRYING TO GET TO KNOW US - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ALL ARE! MGA WALA KAYONG KWENTA - DI KAYO MGA TAO, DAHIL WALA MAN LANG KAYONG SARILING OPINYON. KUMAKAPIT LANG KAYO SA OPINYON NG MAS MALAKAS O MAS MAYAMAN O MAS MAGALING. FENCE-SITTERS ANG TAWAG SA INYO. BUTI PALA AT DI TAYO NAGING KAIBIGAN, DAHIL MAS MABUTI AT DI KO KAYO KINILALA.

Give me shit, and I shove it back in your face.
~~~
Sorry sa mga na-offend. Labas ng tunay na galit lang talaga. Sa mga natamaan, magbago kayo.

Poem Post 7: Cry for attention [spontaneous] (crossposted)

2006-11-20T22:13:00.000+08:00

song of a million words spiraling down into oblivion of great cataclysmic purpose away amiss from what is right from the melody of the song i cannot hear cannot think cannot see cannot seem to know what is right i cannot see anymore the light like i ever did kill me push me away from this place i dont belong i dont belong i never did and never will and shall forever be me dead and desperate notice me look at me tell me that i matter tell me that im still here and that i matter that i still have something left look at me and dont turn away you sick fuckers look at me for once and tell me what you see and who i am forevermore i shall be known as nothing as the evil of peoples lives as the everything that is nothing fine then turn away and listen to the sound of me screaming and shouting the song of a million words

2006-11-17T17:49:00.000+08:00

We lost.

I failed.

Again.

Shuffling Through Life

2006-11-07T18:52:00.000+08:00

Taken from Ma'am Fil. Cute.

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next
button

Opening Credits
Ever After (Eric's Beach Mix) - Bonney Bailey

Waking Up
Stigmatized - The Calling

First Day At School
A Thousand Miles - Vanessa Carlton (tenenenenenen!)

Falling In Love
Officially Missing You - Tamia (how cheesy. wahah.)

Fight Song
Bulong - Kitchie Nadal (nice! nyahah! Asan na'ng talino mo/ Diskarte kamo ng Kano!)

Breaking Up
Kala - Jeepney

Prom
The Fray - How To Save A Life (i'm afraid of my prom.)

Life Is Good
Sugar Ray - When It's Over

Mental Breakdown
45 - Shinedown (Perfect. Juuust perfect.)

Driving
D'Sound - Do I Need A Reason

Flashback
Parokya Ni Edgar - The Incredible Absorbing Man (abused as a child. yup. and i'm still a child. so yah.)

Getting Back Together
South Border - Usahay

Wedding
Lifehouse - Hanging By A Moment (o.O. what does that mean? kewl song, nwei.)

Paying The Dues
Kitchie Nadal - Run

The Night Before The War
Caroline's Spine - Sullivan (asteeeeg. ang perfect.)

Final Battle
Ryan Cabrera - On The Way Down

Moment of Triumph
Rivermaya - Elesi

Death Scene
Rivermaya - 214

Funeral Song
Incubus - Drive (wow. me like.)

End Credits
Jennifer Paige - Stranded (not a very poignant end of life. ah well.)

~~

Too bad Seasons of Love never cropped up. Ah well. :D

The Lights Never Went Out

2006-10-29T15:17:00.000+08:00

Went to Pisay for Sono alone, even with a sore throat, collapsing chest, and sunburn. When I got there Freaky Fair Day hadn't ended yet, but not too many people were there - probably just hanging around for the concert. The jailers were parading people around the oval with black flags. Then biglang Ate Egg ordered some '07 sections to "Fire!" It was like I had just walked into a war - water balloons were flying and water guns were pumping people into a wet oblivion. I made myself unnoticed in a small food stall and didn't get the least bit wet. Biglang nagsiputukan yung supposed fireworks display. It was cute, but I don't think what '07 paid for it was worth it. Then nagpalabas na sila for Sonoluminescence.

Lumabas ako, trying to see if there was any friendly face who was going. Noong una, hindi eh. Then I saw Quintin (hug) and PattiCor. Yay! May nakasama na rin ako. They were waiting to get in then. But before we went in I saw a dinner setting sa may first floor ng SHB. Yeah. Sa loob. Sabi ni Quintin it's because of Elimidate and the Fair Pair. Apparently doon mangyayari yung mga date.

Then more people came, like Trish and Kevin and Jio and Mike and Frances... basta, medyo marami. Then si Jio and Trish pala were one of the couples. Poor Kevin. So we waited a bit... Tapos si Frances Peralta was there... Apparently papatayin na niya si Jio for the Assassination thing. So we plotted and plotted and plotted... Jio ended up dead. Di namin pinansin. Kawawa naman siya. :(

So we were going in, tapos biglang sabi ni Patti: "OMG... Quintin, nawawala wallet kooo..." They were gonna buy fud kasi. Yeah, fud. So we searched a bit, pero di namin talaga mahanap. So we just told Patti that we'd help pay na lang. And I ended up getting dinner with them. Yum.

Kumain kami while listening to Paramita... they were gooood... Nagkuwento pa si Patti about their songs and stuff... Ang nakakaawliw talaga sa kanila was the fact na yung drummer nila yung vocalist nila - na babae. Cool. Doon lang ako nakakita ng ganun. Then followed Up Dharma Down, Giniling Festival (dodo! xD), Radioactive Sago... actually, yun lang yung mga bands na napakinggan ko... We went out kasi after that... and di na 'ko nakapasok uli... I wasn't able to hear Urbandub (I'll get Embrace soon) or the BOTB champ... (I don't even know their name) pero the concert was okay. Not good or anything, just okay. The lights never really went out, literally and figuratively; in fact I was illuminated to a whole lot more.